One Month Later

Well, we’re still here.  We had quite a short honeymoon period and now we’re in the place where there is a LOT of work to do.  And it’s very slow going.  Not for lack of desire to, but more due to time constraints.  One of us is busy every minute of the day, the other of us is trying to cope with suddenly being 90% less mobile than before.  But we’re still here, and we’re still committed.  And I have a question for you:

When someone utterly ruins your ability to trust them, how do you move forward?  I have forgiven him completely, but the hurt is so deep… I don’t know if I can ever let go of that.  I want to… I desperately want to… but for now it seems that I just can’t.  And I don’t know what it takes to recover that.  I think it probably just takes time, and that’s fine I guess, I just don’t want it to take forever.

Nobody talks about these things.  It’s deeply personal, I can understand why, but then how do we know what to do?  Who do we look to for an example of how to repair a relationship?  And nobody better say Jesus because though he may have been married (or not), there are precisely zero examples of this in the scriptures.

The One Where I Tell You After It All Happened How I Almost Got Divorced

This week I was this —-><—- close to getting divorced.  We’ve been struggling for a long time.  A LONG time.  Oregon gave me a chance to see what life was like in a healthy relationship.  My cousin and her wife have a beautiful marriage.

It was not what I wanted.  I love Honey with all my heart.  But when needs go unmet for as long as they had, something’s got to give.

So on Monday I left him.

Cut him out of our room and my heart.  It was bloody, bloody surgery.

Many of us think of divorce in the abstract.  We all know someone, more than one someones I bet, who’s been divorced.  We might sometimes wonder what it would be like to have our lives change like that, but how many of us get down to planning the details?

I did.

Although we had yet to tell anyone, I had already decided that the reasons and whys of us splitting were not for public consumption.  I know that would have been difficult for many.  But believe it or not, it would have been harder to understand; and I just don’t have the energy to explain it over and over and over to each person, as much as you care about us.

I did tell a couple of friends what was happening.  I had to so I wouldn’t kill myself.  If you are not one of the people I told, please don’t take it personally.  I didn’t want to tell anybody in the first place so I tried to keep it as close to the vest as possible in case things turned around.  I carry a lot of shame living with mental illness.  I try to be open about it because I don’t want others to suffer alone, and I want those who don’t struggle to realize mental illness is as real as diabetes or cancer, and just as lethal.

On Tuesday I made a plan to go back to Oregon.  It’s the only other place I feel loved and accepted warts and all.  I knew I would be free to ugly cry my heart out there, and then given the strength and help I needed to build my new life up.

Wednesday I cried off and on all day in bed.  Thursday I went and saw Magic Mike XXL, and cried at that.

When Friday came around, a miracle happened.  Two girlfriends took me to lunch.  I decided not to drive my car into the river.  S and I saw Inside Out (where I bawled).  Last night Husband took me out, and asked me to stay.  He did not want me to go either.

Saturday is a new day.  New life has been breathed into me, and although I still fear the future I also have immense relief knowing that there is one.  There is much to be done before we will be happy again.  Marriage is a LOT of work.  I still need to take some time and think about what staying means, what staying looks like.

I know you’ll have questions.  I may or may not answer them.  I hope you can respect that.

Calgon, Take Me Away!

I ran away from home last Tuesday.  Me and 90 of my closest friends took the Amtrak from Sacramento to points north.  Many stops along the way but I got off in Eugene, Oregon, where my cousin’s wife was waiting to pick me up and ferry me to their house in Springfield.  I’ve been having a blast and am reluctant to return home tomorrow, but I guess I’m still obligated to parent the Villagers until they’re 18 or something so I’ll be on the 5:10 p.m. train for points south.

Kathy & Cheryl have been the best. hostesses. EVER!!!  Every minute of every day they’ve waited on me hand and foot.  We go to bed when we want, we wake up when we want, we do stuff when we want (or not!) and I’m pretty sure I’ll come out of this with a six pack for abs I’ve been laughing so much so hard!  Every night we sit out in the back yard with a drink and just relax while taking in the beauty of Kathy’s flower garden.  Once in awhile we’ll see the mama tree swallow leave the fence to forage for her new chicks, and we take turns slaughtering the abundance of flies that flock to the neighbor’s dog shit.

It’s been hotter than hell (I tend to bring bad weather with me wherever I go, lol) but they do a good job of keeping the house cool, considering there’s no central air.  Just keep the ice cold Cokes a comin’ and I’ll be just fine.  I was hoping to meet their famous friends tonight with a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity, but we forgot it’s a holiday and everyone’s got plans.  Oh well, I guess I will have to make a return trip for the company!  Instead we’ll continue our IT Crowd marathon (which Cheryl especially enjoys since she’s the IT queen at her job), play some cards, and relax after a fun afternoon spent at the Saturday Market in downtown Eugene.

I don’t cry very much these days, but I think when my train leaves tomorrow I’m going to be a little verklempt.  I really love my family.  <3

Help! I’ve Aged And I Can’t Get Up!

(get your mind out of the gutter, I said get up, not get IT up!)

So, I turned 40 a couple weeks ago and it’s really messing with me.  If age comes up in conversation or I’m taking a survey (which I actually do quite often) and I’m asked to enter my age, something inside me dies a little every time I key in the number 40.

Part of me knows 40 is no big deal.  It’s the new 20, right?  Except no matter how hard I try to polish it, 40 still feels like a death sentence to me.

I had my young and wild days.  I got married.  I had kids.  They’re practically adults, or they’re at least at an age where if I died, it wouldn’t be so hard on them as if they were younger.  Honey would have no trouble getting over me and finding a new spouse.

If I were 35 and wanted to wear pigtails, it wouldn’t be within the realm of ridiculous.  Now that I’m 40?  It totally is.  Yes, I could if I wanted to, but it just wouldn’t feel right so I wouldn’t.

If I were 38 and wanted to wear neon nail polish, it’d be hot!  In my 40’s?  It’d just be sad.

All my friends still have young kids.  Like, practically babies young.  Shoot, one of them does have a baby!  Me?  Technically I could now be a granny.  Sure, I’d have to ground my child ’til they were 90, but it could happen.

And so my interwebz friends, I’m asking you to help me.  Help me think of things that are truly cool about being 40+.  Because other than getting to take fun trips by myself without the family falling apart while I’m gone, I can’t think of anything.

I Can’t Adult

I think that damn little hamster in my head needs his legs broken.  I’m not sad, but I’m definitely depressed.  And ashamed.  And scared.

I haven’t showered.  For an amount of time I’m too ashamed to admit.  Actually, I lost count.

I stopped grocery shopping and cooking meals.  At least, on my own anyway.  Honey has to invite me to go shopping with him, and I’m kicking and screaming inside when we go.

I pick up my son from school late because I can’t make myself leave the house.

I’m constantly lonely, and when I get to be with other grownups all I can think of is how uncomfortable it is to be around them.

I’m having a birthday party in two weeks and terrified that nobody will come.

I’m terrified they will.

I’m going to Reno next weekend to be with my sister and nieces.  I’m terrified of that, too.

People say all kinds of nice things to me, they try to lift me up with their words, but I don’t believe them.  It’s not that I think they’re liars, I just know what they say isn’t true.

I can’t live up to those things.

I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you.