Hey.

This is me, coming back to writing.  I didn’t have a device to compose on for a long time, but I finally decided that purchasing a laptop was a matter of self-care.

I don’t know if I’m any good at this anymore, but writing was something I used to enjoy and I hope that by coming back to it I’ll get my brain out of some of the fog it’s been in.

Last summer my brain tried to kill me.  I checked into the hospital, and then spent three months in bed at home.  It’s been rough going since then, but I have been working with good doctors, and my family and friends have been incredibly supportive.

That’s it for now, it’s taken me 90 minutes to get this far.  Insecurity is a bitch, yo.

HamilChurch

Still down for repairs.

I feel infinitely better than I did a few weeks ago, and yet… Not.  I find myself wanting to return to normal life.  It sure would be a heck of a lot more convenient for everybody.  I hate being the passenger, especially when Honey is constantly falling asleep at the wheel.  Tragically, he’s the safer driver right now.  I hate needing a chaperone in public, and I hate that I can’t talk to people like I used to.  I do not have time to be sick, patience is NOT in my vocabulary.  I am so, SO lonely; but I can’t go where the people are.  Too much stimulation.

Can you believe I went to church today?  ME NEITHER.
You know how much I love Open Mic Sunday.  LOVE.  And it was Rainbow Mormon Sunday, too!  I still have my ribbon from last year that I wore, signifying that I love and accept you as you are – but I forgot it.  Even though we were late, we made it just in time to start with the Open Mic portion AND IT WAS PURE GOLD.  Seriously.  One guy got up and instead of a testimony gave a huge Sunday School lesson!  I think this was probably my most active live tweet of OMS, I even got in a Hamilton reference!  But as soon as the meeting was over, I was too.  All I wanted to do was sit in the foyer and hold Cool Kids Sunday School like normal, but I hid behind my sunglasses and kept rubbing a figure 8 on the smooth case of my iPhone.  

SO.  

MANY.  

PEOPLE.

And so loud!!

Normally it’s the best part of the block meeting schedule, when everyone empties the chapel and they mill around, chatting in the foyer and delaying the inevitable by catching up on what happened during the week.  Not today though.

Today I burst into tears spontaneously, three times.  Why does healing have to take so long?

This Ride Is Temporarily Closed

I went on vacation with my girlfriends last week.

It was not fun.

My brain is down for repairs and I’m not sure when it will be back up.  I have faith that it will be, but for now I have to turn off the lights and go home until the workers are finished.

I’m still here, I think.  Like, I want to be.  This me that I am right now, I don’t, I don’t know how to deal with this so I’m just shutting down everything but essential activities like coffeetime, nap time, meals, and school chauffeur service.

I can’t talk, but I can listen.

I’m still here.  Somewhere.

I hope.

I Cannot Go To School Today

“Said little Peggy Ann McKay…”   Or so the line goes from the Shel Silverstein poem “Sick.”
Just holding on these days.  Some kind of funk cloud in my brain keeping me from busting through to the light, and it’s getting annoying.  I leave for a girl’s trip the day after tomorrow and I should be excited about it, but this wall is in front of me laughing and saying “HA HA!!  I KNOW IT’S ONLY TWO DAYS AWAY, BUT I AM GOING TO ROYALLY F*CK YOU UP IN THE MEAN TIME TRYING TO GET OVER ME TO IT!!!”
And I’m here with my playbook, looking for ways around or through it, and it’s just… It’s impenetrable.  I don’t like this game.
If anybody needs me I’ll just be in my bed counting the millions of seconds until Wednesday.

It’s Not The Flu

One of the things I struggle with when it comes to self care is staying on my  meds.  As long as the meds are there, I am generally pretty good at taking them as directed.  But I’m not great at time management and I often misjudge my ability to finish things in a timely manner; which is how I came to the situation I am in today.

One of the meds I take is Paxil.  I noticed I was getting low so I called in a refill for that and something else – and then promptly got too busy to pick it up.  Now skipping a dose of ONE of my meds here and there is not a problem.  It’s when I miss 2+ in a row that I get into trouble.  

Part of me was aware that I needed to get back on that drug a.s.a.p.  I’ve gone cold turkey off Paxil before with near tragic consequences.  I was just so busy I never noticed any adverse effects, so I let it slide to the back of my mind where ideas and reminders go to die.  Then I ran out of risperdal.  (It’s an antipsychotic that keeps my agitation/irrational rage in check and helps me fall asleep at night.)  That was Saturday night.  For the last few days I’ve had flu-like symptoms, but I knew it wasn’t the flu.  I’ve felt sore and bluh and feverish (without actually being so), just some general malaise; but inside I felt fine.  I haven’t felt sad or dark, just kind of felt “off” for a few days; but after decaptitating my kids because nobody got me a drink at dinner last night (but they all got themselves one) I figured it wasn’t a good idea to go another day without the risperdal.  Picking up meds for myself is something that is SO easy and normal to do, but lest we forget – I AM NOT NORMAL.  I can say that I’m out of them, and even call them in, but taking that last step to pick up is one step further than I can go.  Then when you add other pressures like spouseman’s work issues, a kid practically grown and out of the house that needs stuff to do that, another kid that’s emotionally exhausting, lost passwords, trip prep, writing deadlines and general adulting required… You can see how stuff falls through the cracks.

Honey went to get the meds while S was at seminary this morning.  Turns out it’s been THREE WEEKS that I’ve been off the Paxil.  I’m (mostly) done being mad at myself over this, but I want to share my experience so that others don’t make the same mistake.   The first time this happened to me was during D’s first year of life.  I nearly drove my van into oncoming traffic, just to see what would happen.  If you take meds for mental health reasons, you cannot afford to slack off for a minute.  If you have trouble doing this for yourself, ASK FOR HELP.  

Today is April 20th.  I’m asking you for help to remember to refill and pick up my meds in July.  I don’t want to do this again.  Not to myself, and not to my family.