Dear Diary – 18 May 2017

May 18, 2017

Dear Diary,

I started a new kind of blog post theme today.  I have one called “To Whom It Concerns” that I think people like; I mean, it makes me laugh.  But I’ve been having trouble writing and I really want to start writing again because if you don’t use it you lose it, and I love this gift of mine.  I thought if I started by writing just for myself it might be easier.  I call this one “Dear Diary” because I talk to myself more than anyone else.  I’m often the only one listening anyway, so it kind of makes sense.  Writing to “Dear Diary” helps decrease the feeling of performance anxiety when I’m trying to think of what to say here.  This way it’s just between us, but I can still say I’m a writer.

My favorite psychiatrist once told me when I’d seen her just after a dissociative episode that no one is coming to save me.  I have to save myself.  At the time I was really mad at her.  I did not feel strong enough to complete this seemingly Sisyphean task.  I still do not, but I’ve gained enough wisdom to know she was right and I’m stubborn enough to keep trying.

As part of my recovery and boring self care I’ve been trying to make myself do more, move more, be more independent.  It’s hard and it’s scary.  I’m not used to active living because I’ve just shut down and isolated myself for so long.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do.  I’m really good at the thinking part but not so good with the doing part; I’m not used to being a self-starter.  I came up with a huge list of things I’d like to have as part of my recovery, things that will enrich my life and help me grow and progress.  These aren’t physical items per se, they are habits and experiences and relationships, all the things that make up the act of living.  It’s just that next step part that I haven’t seemed to master.  Persistence, consistence, motivation; these are things in short supply when you live with mental illness.  It’s discouraging when something as simple as getting gas in your car causes a meltdown.  It makes you not want to try.  The intense feelings of failure, disappointment, and splitting are hard to overcome.

Recently my friend got herself new strings for her guitar as a birthday gift.  I’ve wanted to play guitar for years but never felt like I could afford a guitar or lessons.  Luckily, I find myself in possession of Mom’s guitar, and since the internet is a thing I am now able to find guitar lessons online for free!  I spent some time tuning it the other day and in the interest of not being a liar when I tell people that I’m teaching myself to play the guitar, I have made an appointment with myself every day after watching my morning show for Guitar Lessons.  I won’t know if I’m a success for awhile, but I’m giving it a try and hoping for the best.

Well, that’s all for now Dear Diary.  Thanks for being a good vehicle to get the writing juices flowing again.

Sincerely,

Sallygirl

 

 

 

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The BPD Games

Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to our coverage of the March 19, 2016th edition of the BPD Games!  I’ll be your host, Effie Flickerman, so let’s get started!

No need to introduce yesterday’s victors, there aren’t any in this game!

Here’s what’s plaguing our contestant today:

  • physical pain
  • social anxiety
  • depression
  • Lying Liars, and the Brains they occupy
  • bored children
  • clueless husband
  • lonliness
  • over-sensitivity
  • ideation
  • and a pool so fucked up who knows if it’ll come back?

Unfortunately the weather is cooperating and it’s nice and sunny outside, but don’t you worry!  These BPD Games are so intense, we can ruin that for you, too!

Now the contestant known as “Sallygirl” from District SJVCA isn’t without merit.  She’s tenacious and will not go down without a fight!  She will send the shit out of some Good Mail, rock the hell out of some Queen, AC/DC, and the Violent Femmes; spread cheer by sharing Instagram photos of phallic cacti in her secret combination FB group, enjoy a medible now and then, and curate a list of vintage postage and vinyl in a New York minute!

But don’t worry, we’ve got the upper hand.  She can only hold out for so long before exhaustion, self doubt, and paranoia set in.  We’ll keep her in bed staring at the walls and crying off and on for days for no real reason at all!  We’ve also got a lifetime supply of baggage, judgements, and negative messages playing on an endless loop; just for fun!

That’s all for now, join us next time, providing there is one!

What’s In Your Testimony?

My friends over at Feminist Mormon Housewives have a new post up that asks, “What’s your testimony?”  They’re posting a new question each month and inviting their readers to respond.  At the end of the year they hope to have a good picture of what’s going on in the feminist/progressive/liberal/queer Mormon community that we all make up.  I’ve decided to participate in the activity because I am in an exciting place spiritually and I think it will help me define some things that are up in the air for me right now.

I thought it would be fun to post the questions and my responses here, but I keep thinking about a conversation Honey and I had yesterday.

As I have begun my quest for truth and knowledge about God, I’ve wondered if it was necessary for me to write a letter or call my (LDS) family members to tell them I don’t believe what they do any more.  I’ve wrestled with this for over two years – how, what, or if I should tell them what’s going on with me.  Then I had a couple of thoughts that make me thankful I had the wisdom to sit on this question for a time.

My younger self was more self-centered and assumed that people wanted to know these things about me and would overshare on the regular.  Sallygirl today knows that sure, my family and close friends do want to know these things going on in my life!  But they don’t want to find out in a pre-prepared statement that just shows up in their inbox one day.  Just yesterday it came to me that it’s actually pretty arrogant of me to randomly announce or give a statement to my family and close friends about my deeply personal religious/spiritual beliefs, without being asked.  It’s like when a celebrity publicly announces their divorce/bankruptcy/addiction/sexuality.  They make these hugely awkward public announcements; and then everybody feels weird like when you walk in on your parents “taking a nap”.

The other thought that came to me was, actually, I do still believe in a lot of the same things my LDS and christian family and friends do!  I have a different perspective than I did before, and yes; there are some huge things that the LDS Church teaches that I no longer believe or interpret differently for myself as an individual.  I’ve done a lot of searching and praying and I know that my truth is only for me.  I’m not going to be concerned if my truth doesn’t fit you, because I know you.  You and I, we are the same.  We’re all here on this big rock, doing the best we can given our individual circumstances, and all we want is to be happy.

I’m here to tell you, I am happy.

When I look at the big picture, I feel nothing but peace, joy, and hope for the future.  I live with mental illness and sometimes it makes it hard for me to maintain those feelings, but everything about my life is so good how can I feel otherwise?  I don’t often talk about the positive parts that come from having mental illness, but there are some.  They are few, but they’re there!  Even though my intense feelings are usually the crappy ones, the good ones are also just as strong.

I love learning from others.  If you have concerns for me, let’s talk.  If you have questions about my beliefs, ask me!  But don’t go through my husband or children.  I have my own voice, and it doesn’t sound like them.

When Rebuilding The Church Looks Like Destroying It*

When Rebuilding The Church Looks Like Destroying It *

I have been accused of believing that the heavens are closed and that God does not speak through his servants today, but that is simply not true.

I believe in the promise and idea of what the church is supposed to be, but that it has been bogged down with policies and cultural preferences that do not reflect the love of our savior Jesus Christ or his mission.  I believe that the church can be what it says it is and I want to help make it better.  If you have no problems or issues at church, I envy you.  I’m not sure whoever said “When the prophet speaks the debate is over”, but they obviously are comfortable with a lot of things I’m not.

Brigham Young said:

“What a pity it would be, if we were led by one man to utter destruction! Are you afraid of this? I am more afraid that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of blink self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken the influence they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let every man and woman know, themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not. This has been my exhortation continually.”

For me personally I feel that past and present LDS leaders (local and at HQ) have continually dismissed, covered up, and outright lied about things in the history of the church; and this is in no way acceptable to me as representatives of the Lord.  I am left to wonder what words are theirs, and which are from the God.

I believe these men are godly.  They love the Lord and they love us.  I do not fault them for their imperfections.  I know the Lord works with what he’s got.  But when the people in charge refuse to humble themselves and instead power forward with statements like “We do not apologize” and ignore the damage they’ve done; I no longer trust every word out of their mouth to be from the Lord.

I am no longer content to go through life accepting stones instead of bread.  I am far from perfect in my quest to live a life that is pleasing to my creator.  I believe that he is my judge, and regardless of whether I ticked off all the boxes on a list of rules set forth by imperfect men leading through a glass darkly or not, he will judge me fairly.  I accept that I do not have all the answers.  I hope that if my words or deeds are hurtful or harmful to you that we can have a conversation about it to understand each other better and make changes where necessary.

I struggle now to find the words to end this statement of belief, so I leave you with this:

Merry Christmas, my dear friends.  My words fail me just now as I try to thank you for all you do and all you are to me.  I wish peace and contentment for you all your days.  It is my prayer that when we wake each morning we remember that “Kindness Begins With Me”.  I pray that more suffering will end than begin, and that I can have the strength to do my part in making that a reality.

Xoxo, Sallygirl

*Click and read the link, please.  It’s relevant and germane to my thoughts here.

The Genetic Lottery

So, I like everybody else in the universe I have some diseases/disorders/conditions, whatever you want to call it, that I have… “inherited” from my family.  And when I have days like yesterday (the absolute worst ever); all I can do is sit back, give a big fat double fisted middle finger to the sky and in my head shout “F*CK YOU GENETIC LOTTERY, AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!”

Because that’s what it is, right?  Your mom and dad have that special hug and then there’s a genetic pool from which the things that make you are drawn.  Hair color, eye color, skin color, hitch hiker thumb, curly tongue, height, gender, temperament, all the things that can be passed down from generation to generation.  Including things like cancer, diabetes, vision, mental illness, heart disease, hair loss/thickness/balding, and addiction.  Some things skip a generation, some things skip many generations, and some things hit every generation.

There are a lot of things I’m happy I ended up with.  I love my blue eyes and the compliments I get about them.  I love my thick hair!  Well, most of the time.  I love that I’m left handed like my grandma was (although I’m not sure if that one’s actually a genetic thing), that I can sing beautifully like my mother and grandfather, and like the rest of my family I’m highly intelligent.  These are the real wins in the genetic lottery; but when the darkness of depression takes over… those are the things I’m not so grateful for, and I like to joke that “the genetic lottery strikes again!” or “I won the genetic lotto again!”

Being self aware is generally a gift.  When you just want to die – when you want to drive into the median full speed or take all the pills in the house; knowing somewhere, deep inside you that eventually this will pass, that it could be five minutes or five days but it will stop – is the only thing that keeps you alive.

That, my special friends, and joking about the genetic lottery. 😉