The BPD Games

Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to our coverage of the March 19, 2016th edition of the BPD Games!  I’ll be your host, Effie Flickerman, so let’s get started!

No need to introduce yesterday’s victors, there aren’t any in this game!

Here’s what’s plaguing our contestant today:

  • physical pain
  • social anxiety
  • depression
  • Lying Liars, and the Brains they occupy
  • bored children
  • clueless husband
  • lonliness
  • over-sensitivity
  • ideation
  • and a pool so fucked up who knows if it’ll come back?

Unfortunately the weather is cooperating and it’s nice and sunny outside, but don’t you worry!  These BPD Games are so intense, we can ruin that for you, too!

Now the contestant known as “Sallygirl” from District SJVCA isn’t without merit.  She’s tenacious and will not go down without a fight!  She will send the shit out of some Good Mail, rock the hell out of some Queen, AC/DC, and the Violent Femmes; spread cheer by sharing Instagram photos of phallic cacti in her secret combination FB group, enjoy a medible now and then, and curate a list of vintage postage and vinyl in a New York minute!

But don’t worry, we’ve got the upper hand.  She can only hold out for so long before exhaustion, self doubt, and paranoia set in.  We’ll keep her in bed staring at the walls and crying off and on for days for no real reason at all!  We’ve also got a lifetime supply of baggage, judgements, and negative messages playing on an endless loop; just for fun!

That’s all for now, join us next time, providing there is one!

But You’re Not Catholic?

My kids (and some of my friends) keep asking me why I participate in Lent, even though I’m not Catholic. 

Well my children, I may not be big “C” Catholic, but I am lowercase catholic, and there’s a difference. (Imma let you Google that.)

My understanding of Lent is rudimentary at best. In my mind I’m supposed to give something up for 40 days, Christ in the desert and all that. It should be a sacrifice, but I wanted to pick something I could be reasonably successful at so I picked “f*ck”.  Every time I am tempted, I remember that this is a journey to bring me closer to God and my Savior Jesus Christ.

I mean business celebrating Lent, so after grumbling about the few times I’ve slipped I decided to donate $1 to charity as a means of repentance.  I was going to go with KIVA, but I think I am going to look into how I can help closer to home this time.

And that is why I celebrate Lent!

The Patriarchy vs. Me

Patriarchy has taught me that I need permission to exist.

Patriarchy taught me I’m not enough, all by myself, standing alone in front of my maker.

Patriarchy taught me I needed a man to be a whole person.

Patriarchy taught me I can’t get into the highest level of heaven without one.

Patriarchy made me feel ugly.

Patriarchy made me feel guilty for first having needs, and then meeting them.

Patriarchy bosses me around, tells me what to do, what not to do, what questions to ask, how to ask them, and what the answers are.

Patriarchy tells me how to feel, and tears me down when I don’t meet it’s definition of whatever it’s telling me to be.

Patriarchy has done nothing good for me.

F*ck you, Patriarchy!

What’s In Your Testimony?

My friends over at Feminist Mormon Housewives have a new post up that asks, “What’s your testimony?”  They’re posting a new question each month and inviting their readers to respond.  At the end of the year they hope to have a good picture of what’s going on in the feminist/progressive/liberal/queer Mormon community that we all make up.  I’ve decided to participate in the activity because I am in an exciting place spiritually and I think it will help me define some things that are up in the air for me right now.

I thought it would be fun to post the questions and my responses here, but I keep thinking about a conversation Honey and I had yesterday.

As I have begun my quest for truth and knowledge about God, I’ve wondered if it was necessary for me to write a letter or call my (LDS) family members to tell them I don’t believe what they do any more.  I’ve wrestled with this for over two years – how, what, or if I should tell them what’s going on with me.  Then I had a couple of thoughts that make me thankful I had the wisdom to sit on this question for a time.

My younger self was more self-centered and assumed that people wanted to know these things about me and would overshare on the regular.  Sallygirl today knows that sure, my family and close friends do want to know these things going on in my life!  But they don’t want to find out in a pre-prepared statement that just shows up in their inbox one day.  Just yesterday it came to me that it’s actually pretty arrogant of me to randomly announce or give a statement to my family and close friends about my deeply personal religious/spiritual beliefs, without being asked.  It’s like when a celebrity publicly announces their divorce/bankruptcy/addiction/sexuality.  They make these hugely awkward public announcements; and then everybody feels weird like when you walk in on your parents “taking a nap”.

The other thought that came to me was, actually, I do still believe in a lot of the same things my LDS and christian family and friends do!  I have a different perspective than I did before, and yes; there are some huge things that the LDS Church teaches that I no longer believe or interpret differently for myself as an individual.  I’ve done a lot of searching and praying and I know that my truth is only for me.  I’m not going to be concerned if my truth doesn’t fit you, because I know you.  You and I, we are the same.  We’re all here on this big rock, doing the best we can given our individual circumstances, and all we want is to be happy.

I’m here to tell you, I am happy.

When I look at the big picture, I feel nothing but peace, joy, and hope for the future.  I live with mental illness and sometimes it makes it hard for me to maintain those feelings, but everything about my life is so good how can I feel otherwise?  I don’t often talk about the positive parts that come from having mental illness, but there are some.  They are few, but they’re there!  Even though my intense feelings are usually the crappy ones, the good ones are also just as strong.

I love learning from others.  If you have concerns for me, let’s talk.  If you have questions about my beliefs, ask me!  But don’t go through my husband or children.  I have my own voice, and it doesn’t sound like them.

What A Whirlwind!

I’ve been trying to write for the longest time, but my life keeps getting in the way!  So many stories I’ve wanted to share, so many things I’ve wanted to talk about; but my new herbal medication has me feeling mentally awake and alert for the first time in a long while, and I find myself being a more active participant in life than I ever have before.  All of a sudden I find myself happily volunteering to drive kids places or help out with something at their school and not resenting it.  The best part is that now that I feel more whole, I have more to give.

We had an amazing Christmas in Oregon with my cousin K and her wife C! They invited us up to their rural property in Eugene where they have horses and chickens and cooked breakfasts.  We played games and shopped local, it couldn’t have been more perfect!  After we arrived home, we didn’t stop with the fun.  We finally had time to go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens and it.  was.  AMAZEBALLS.  Words fail further discussion on the topic at this moment.  Except to say that I totally cried as soon as the title flashed on the screen and the word wall began to scroll, letting us know what’s up since Episode VI.  And that I saw the THING coming.  Called it as soon as I found out about the family connection.  Wasn’t sure if it would be this film or a future one, but I called it all the same and now I will accept my gold star on my crown and move on.

We visited Honey’s family in San Jose to ring in the New Year.  His parents had made it to town for an extended visit with Grandma & Grandpa so we got to see them, too.  It’s always nice to visit and we are so lucky to be able to spend as much time with them as we do; but this time the visit felt a little strained and that was a bummer.  I’m sure it’s because of the… eventful… year we’ve had, but also because Grandma & Grandpa continue to decline in health and it’s hard to watch that.

New Year’s Day, Honey and I were able to visit with another cousin in Walnut Creek; who was here visiting from Colorado.  It was very fun to catch up on family news and a nice way to wind up the holiday season.  I’m sad for all the writing material I lost by not being able to find the time or place to write without distraction, but I don’t regret spending the time with my family and kids that kept me from doing this.

Life is good my friends.  I hope 2016 brings good things to you.