Pinnochio Wasn’t The Only One…

…missing something!

“I got no strings boobs, to hold me down…”

Seriously.  I’ve just tried on my THIRD swimsuit of the season (plus the four I tried to buy last year) and it’s become increasingly obvious that I need a boob job.  It’s no longer about making them stand to attention, it’s about filling the frigging bra cup in the swimsuit up!  And I’ve already gone the smaller suit size route, but I still end up giving the kiddies a poolside peep show.

Do you think they can transfer some of the fat from my ass up to my chest???

I Should’ve Seen the Signs…

Anybody here read Sunset Magazine? Anyone besides me & Ana?

Every year they have something called “Sunset Celebration Weekend” at their headquarters in Menlo Park, CA. It’s fabulous. Free stuff galore and lots of ideas for cooking/gardening/etc.

This year, we FINALLY got to go together! I’ve been trying to drag Ana along for forever, but it really is quite a drive for her so it hasn’t worked out in the past.

Anywho, I gave her directions on where to meet me that were fairly accurate, excepting for the part where I didn’t know that the place we usually park was under construction and unavailable this year. And I had borrowed my husband’s cell phone (because mine was close to dying) which did NOT have any of Ana’s current phone numbers in it. Annnnnd Honey didn’t answer the phone when I called to have him check her number on my phone, because he LEFT. IT. HOME. when he went to the library!!!  Luckily, he finally did get home and I was able to reach her before we got too crazy separated.  From here on out, the day was going to get better, right?  I should’ve known it would only get worse from there…

After we had a great time checking out all the different booths, I had to get going because my legs were killing me and I’m out of pain meds. It really was a bummer because the band that was playing when I left was fantastic! So S (my middle kid) and I boarded the shuttle to go back to our parking lot where we found ourselves with a flat tire. This was bad for the following reasons:

• Although I probably technically could change a tire, I had on white pants.
• I was really tired and in a lot of pain.
• I don’t have the tools in my car for a tire change (although this was later revealed to be false, I have a hidden jack!  But no tire iron, so still…)
• I have Emergency Roadside Service on my car insurance, which isn’t very good when you have no freaking idea where you are!!!
• I am also out of Xanax.

I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles, but no… then Sunday happened.

A few days ago I had a 24-hour flu bug from out of nowhere.  It was at the end of the day, I had a fever and body aches, the works!  Apparently, the 24-hour flu doesn’t mean consecutive hours because really, I was probably only sick for six.  Yesterday, it came back with a vengance!  Fever, aches, bodily fluids, tears, dehydration, stuffy nose, insomnia, it was hellacious!

This morning I’m feeling a bit better, but it could turn on me at any minute.  The oh-s0-sensitive gag reflex is just waiting for me to make one false move, I can feel it!

I’m hoping your weekend went better than mine, I need to go beat up some chilluns’ now for breaking the “Mommy’s sick so you better shut the hell up” rule.

Another One Bites the Dust

My sister called to tell me my mom wanted me to call (my mom doesn’t have long-distance on her phone). Grandma Alice died this morning. They’re not sure exactly when, but that’s ok. Uncle S fell asleep sitting next to her so she wasn’t alone.

And here’s the thing:  I don’t feel bad about it.   I feel a bit empty, like my world is somehow less or smaller without her, but I don’t feel sad or upset or anything.  I’m not looking for hugs or anything else that is done or said when someone dies, but it doesn’t feel right to have her death go unmentioned so there it is.  She’s dead.

Ok, I take it back a little bit.  I guess I was feeling a little down about it, but I didn’t know it until I came up with the title for this post. Then I let out a huge grin, as if the song were planted in my head by her, and then everything lifted.

Did you know that when my great-grandma, Grandma Alice’s mom, died, she requested to be buried face down?  (If you see where this is going RIGHT NOW, you are automatically in the upper eschelon of the Cool Girls’ Club)

When my mom asked her why, she said in her teeny-tiny Scottish brogue “So that when people come to visit me at my grave, they can kiss my ass!”

Ba-dum-dum!  Thankyew!  Generations of Thomson (NO P PEOPLE!!!) women comidiennes ’til the end!

Revelations I’ve Had This Week

• Lawyers will NEVER call you.  You always have to call them.
• Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre are timeless and will never lose their appeal.
• Chances are, if you drink 48 oz. of water in a 2 hr. period, you will have achieved the “Clear Pee by Three” goal (in regards to not being dehydrated).
• No matter how long a trip you make is, it will never be long enough to see everyone you want to.
• Costco will give you a pretty well naked cake if you ask them to.  For those of us who don’t care for a ginormous balloon of frosting that would send even the healthiest of people into diabetic shock.
• If you are anemic and forget to take your iron supplement for a few days, or week, whatever, you will not be able to wake up in the morning no matter how early you go to bed and/or suck down massive amounts of fully-leaded Coke for breakfast.
• Insurance adjusters exist solely to irritate me.
• No matter how flexible you are, you will miss a spot, or two, on your back when putting on sunscreen alone.
• Ben Stiller is capable of making funny movies that do not involve sex or potty humor.
• “Crackalackin’ ” is my new favorite word, but will not push “craptacular” out of the top three spots in my vocabulary.
• “Vaycay” is also a new favorite.  Yes, I am aware of how retarded it sounds.
• Laser hair removal is a necessary expense.
• The more weight I lose (which is not much), the smaller my boobies get.
• Neighbors will be nice, friendly, and bring you stuff even if you aren’t ready to get to know them yet.
• I am giving up Caffiene-free Diet Pepsi for Lent.  In advance.  I will replace it with fully-leaded Coke, which is much better for helping you snap out of your anemia-induced funk.
• It is not a good idea to leave a note on the unlocked front door that says to let yourself in because you are already in the pool for your friend that might be coming over, because you will receive an unexpected birthday delivery of flowers, balloons and chocolate.  And the delivery dude will think the note is for him.  He will come to your back door and see you swimming in your tank top and underwear because you can’t find a swimsuit big enough for your whale-sized ass and small enough for your non-existent boobies.
• You could superglue the back door shut and the kids would still manage to leave it open when the a/c is on.
• I could make this list go on and on and on, but it’s time for another Coke by IV.  Toodles!

Best Vaycay I’ve Ever Had

At the very last minute, we decided to go to Salt Lake this weekend.  Honey and D were already flying out because he decided for his birthday he wanted to hike Mt. Olympus with his childhood bff (his family does it every Memorial Day weekend).  My mom called Thursday morning wondering if I could fly out too to help her with my grandma, who is on her way to greener pastures.  So Thursday afternoon we decided to all pile in the car the next morning and head on out!

I’ve been staying at my mom’s with our dog, and Honey and the kids have been staying at his parents.  I miss them a lot, but it’s been so nice to be here for my mom, and to just relax after that tough semester in math.  I went to what used to be my childhood ward to see some old friends and neighbors.  Of course, it’s impossible to see everyone, but I’m glad I got to see those I did and catch up a bit with them.

The only thing I’m disappointed in, is it’s been hard to find time to visit some of my girlfriends, and we won’t be able to come back this summer like we’d planned.

I’ll close this post on a happy note, my mom has the best.  shower.  EVER!!!  It must have something to do with being in the basement, because Honey’s parents basement shower is pretty good, too.  The water pressure is just amazing, it can blast your skin right off!  And the best part is that the shower head is like, a foot above me so I don’t have to duck and bend.

I hope you all are having an enjoyable weekend, and take a moment to remember those who have given their lives that we might continue to enjoy the freedoms we are granted by living here.  Our government is not perfect, a lot of our politicians stink, but we have it better than any other country and we owe a large debt of gratitude to those men and women who fought and died protecting it.

Don’t Think I Haven’t Noticed, II

It’s been a long, long time since I wrote last!  I guess I just feel so uninspired lately…  That really bums me out, too, because I really want to be a columnist.  You know, like Erma Bombeck except cool?

I had this whole new list of things, OH YEAH!  I was going to say I couldn’t remember what they were, but I just did, so here ya go:

- Costco TP.  It’s costing more and looking like what you find in a gas station bathroom.  WTH??

- Bounty paper towels (which I bought b/c Costco was too expensive again!).  They are like, 2/3 the size of a Costco paper towel!  What’s up with that??

- Drive-thrus everywhere.  I see the cup sizes are getting smaller.  On the one hand, that’s great for the people who order the bucket o’ soda.  Nobody should drink that much!  That’s what I consume in like, a soda-heavy week!  On the other hand, for people like me who are cheap and not willing to give up soda altogether but like a little somethin’ to go with their fries, we’re gettin’ screwed!

- Pool guy and his “Chemicals only” service.  I’d love to pay you the extra $$ for the full service where you empty my baskets and brush down the pool, but I can’t.  And you know what else?  Technically you have to empty the skimmer basket to put the chlorine tabs in.  I’d like to say I feel dishonest, but I don’t.  No worries, there is a special place in heaven for guys like you who do all that extra stuff without charging me because I’m a dumb blonde, and I’ll make sure you get extra gold stars too!

- City Planner Guy.  You were really helpful to me today when I came in and basically said I wanted to turn my front yard into a mini-farm.  You didn’t flinch and give me the “Oh man, there goes the neighborhood” look, and were actually very enthusiastic about us wanting to put in native grasses and drought-tolerant other stuff (that has fancy pants names I can’t think of right now).

- Math 82 Instructor.  You are my age.  This upsets me greatly.  Will I ever catch up to you?

- Lathrop Parks & Rec Scholarship Dept.  I know you are trying to protect the funds from people who have a small net income not because they can’t do better but because they are doing better (by socking away a lot of their income in investments and other financial crap I know nothing about), but I hardly think it’s fair that my family is juuuuuust over the “low income” gross income amount and doesn’t qualify for a scholarship to the Parks & Rec programs when A) My husband teaches at the school that backs up to the park which is on the same plot of land that your offices are and 2)  I’m fairly certain that there is a high percentage of illegal residents (given the socio-economic makeup of this city) that are benefitting, yet again, from my tax dollars.  I know they might be paying taxes too (UNLIKELY), but there’s that whole IT’S AGAINST THE FRIGGIN’ LAW FOR YOU TO BE HERE, WHY ARE WE REWARDING THAT??? thing that I’m having a problem with.

- Benadryl.  You do nothing for me.  My allergies, ok, you help me dry up sometimes, but mostly you just make me obnoxiously tired and you do not relieve any other kinds of allergic reactions such as itchy arms from being out in the pollen or whatever.

Holy cow, I am falling off my seat tired, and making all kinds of spelling mistakes.  You know when the spelling nazi is slipping up, it’s time to go.

I Wrote A Little Song This Morning

and it goes something like this:

“B*@tch ate my shoe… b*@tch ate my shoe… then she ate all my B vitamins, too…

I swear she gets fed – lots of love in there, too… but I’m cuttin’ her loose if she eat another’n of my shoes.”

The end.

It’s a short song, a ditty really.  I think it’ll catch on, don’t you?