Sally Girl

So, Shana the Beautiful and I were shopping at The-Store-That-Must-Not-Be-Named on Thursday night, and I received a sign from the shopping gods.  What it means, I still don’t know, but it was a shopping miracle nonetheless.

We spend “X” amount of dollars a week on groceries.  After Wednesday night’s pizza and a couple of other things, I ended up with $101 for the week (my grocery week goes from Weds.-Tues.).  Since there was nothing in the weekly ads I felt compelled to go to my regular stores for, I decided to make the trek to Stockton to shop at… [insert evil big box superstore name here].

We started shopping and decided to grab a drink.  This heat really sucks the moisture out of you, you know!  So we trekked back to the front of the store where Mickey D’s was located.  Upon my turn I said “I’d just like a water, please.”  “Uh, we only have the bottled water.”  “You can’t just give me a cup of water?” “No.” “Ok, how about if I buy a cup and you put water in it for me?” “But we only have TAP water!” “That’s ok, I am just REALLLLLY thirsty!”  “Ok, that’ll be $1.39.”  Since I have 5 $20’s, one $1, and no change, I fork over a twenty.  I get $18.61 back.  Add that to what’s in the wallet, and I got $99.61.  FOR THE WEEK.  Did I mention there are five people in my family, three of which have hollow legs?  Nevermind that one of the sets of legs is in UT this week, the other ones will make up for it, I promise.

Now we’re all refreshed so we resume our shopping marathon.  Did you know that it takes me 2-3 hours to shop at two different stores, come home, and put away all the groceries?  Did you know that it took over 3 hours, JUST TO SHOP at this place?  No, there was no wandering around aimlessly in the stuff-mart section.  This was groceries only, baby!

Finally, we step up to the checkout.  I have to bag for myself because bringing your own bags with you is a foreign concept to these people.  So is stuffing each bag to capacity.

Guess what my total is?

$99.61!!!!!

No lie.  For some reason, I didn’t remember how much I had exactly.  I just knew it was under $100.  I fish around in my pocket for a penny so I wouldn’t get any back and I find the 61 cents.  It is then that my OCD exact change freak kicks in.  I start remembering that not only do I appear to have the exact coins, I ALSO HAVE THE EXACT BILLS IN MY WALLET!!!

It was like I’d won the freakin’ lottery!

You see, it’s not the size of your cart or what’s in your basket that brings you pleasure, it’s having the absolute exact change to pay for it that brings you joy!

SMALL THINGS ROCK!!!

(feel free to publicly mock my neuroses in your comments below)

What are you supposed to do when the truthful answer to a question is hurtful to someone you love?  Even if you’re ok with lying distracting them or quickly changing the subject, they know you’re not being honest with them.  They can read you like a cheap tabloid on the back of the toilet in the reading room.  This is not to say that you should randomly go about spouting truths (like yes, you do look fat in that dress!) to people.   This is when you’re being asked a direct question and they are not expecting the answer you have.

Do you tell them that yes, you do sound like your mom/aunt/sister/whatever, but that’s ok because the harder we try not to be like someone we’re related to, the more inextricable we become from them?  And that being like your aunt/grandma/sister/mom/whatever isn’t necessarily bad because there are some great things about them, too?  Do you tell them that one of the reasons you don’t let your kids sleep over at their house every time they’re invited (and we’re not talking about the random one-night sleepover here, we’re talking about spur-of-the-moment-you’re-not-friends-you’re-family-it’s-no-big-deal-to-spend 2-3 nights in a row over here!) is because spirituality/religion is not a priority for them?  It doesn’t matter which religion, just as long as you have one that you build your life around.  Do you tell them that even though you’re not there every day to witness their life, the way they talk about things leads you to believe that they’re in extreme denial about their mental health?  Do you join political groups/support legislation that are in accordance with your personal beliefs but that adversely affect members of your family knowing that they’ll find out about it and might not want to have a relationship with you any more?

WHAT THE FRICK DO YOU DO!?!?!  Because these are people you love and care about.  You don’t want to hurt them, but they’re asking you for answers.  And sometimes the truth hurts.  A lot of times, the truth hurts.  And it’s not like you’re perfect, you know.  You’ve got plenty of your own faults and even just different ways of doing things that people probably don’t agree with. 

But you’re not the one asking the questions.

I wish I could wake up every day feeling like that song.  I used to, on most days.  But ever since summer started?  UGH!  I never hated a season so much!  Complete lack of routine and schedule drives me bonkers!  I know I could invent one for myself, but I’m just not that self-disciplined.  Thank goodness there’s only 26 more days until school starts.

I do have some good news.  My classes start on August 14th.  I know, pretty random to start on a Thursday, but I’ll take it!  Oh wait, as I’m typing this I’m realizing it’s NOT good news!  Costco is opening in our town on August 14th at 8:30 a.m.  I was happy for about 30 seconds there because I was thinking to myself, “OH!!  I only have my history class in the evening on Thursdays!!!  I can go to the grand opening and (enter my hopeless delusions here) win free Costco for life or something for being the first customer at the new store!”  Except I forgot my math class is Tuesday and Thursday mornings.  From 8:00-10:00 a.m.
DAMMIT!

Oh well, at least I can make it to the grand opening of the new Target in the town we’re moving to.  That’s later this week (I think!).

• Never have more than one Coke in a day.
• Never EVER drink Coke after 8:00 a.m.
• When it’s 10:30 p.m. and you notice you’re not nearing sleepiness, TAKE SOMETHING!!! Otherwise, you will be up until 3:00 a.m. wondering why no one else is awake to play with you and by then it’s too late to do anything about it.
• Have iTunes exorcised for evil spirits.  I’m pretty sure it’s not good if your playlist keeps playing after you’ve closed the program.
• The amount of chlorine in some people’s pools makes your skin super-soft instead of peeling it off.
• It could be the amount of lotion you’ve been putting on lately instead of the chlorine, don’t tempt fate.
• Ask Dr. L about switching from Valium to Xanax before school starts.  Falling asleep during algebra class probably is not a good thing, neither is going into it unmedicated.
• Yes, it does feel good when random guys at the grocery store hit on you.  Even when they’re not all that attractive.  Because, c’mon, who else would be hitting on you in your current state?
• Sometimes it’s good to send Honey in to make the exchange.  Even when he comes back with the thing unexchanged and you blow a gasket, it can turn out to be a good thing because now you have enough Disney Dollars to buy your kindergartener a ridiculously expensive backpack and lunchbox for school.
• It’s ok to laugh about the dinosaurs freezing their asses off.  It brings a smile to your face, and you look good when you smile.  Especially with that one lipgloss.  Fabulous.
• Blaming Ana Banana for your addiction to Born and Clark’s shoes will only strengthen the bonds of sisterhood you share.  Now you have another obsession to share!
• Soon little D will be in school and you’ll miss him asking/telling you what time it is 40 million times a day.

It was the second meeting of the book club I got removed as group leader from tonight. We had watched read John Adams by David McCullough over the past six weeks. It was a boring as hell lively discussion (if you could get a word in) and lots of people contributed.

But I’m not bitter.

No, seriously, I’m not. Perhaps if I had read the book instead of watched it I would have climbed the walls less, but I couldn’t stop myself from texting Ana Banana to save me from this tenth circle of hell. Just as the discussion had ended, no, wait… it’s not over yet! Someone had to bring up the religiosity of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. I just kept thinking to myself, “Holy crap, why does everything we do have to be church related?!?!” I mean, we’re all members. We know we’re all members. We’re there as members, because we’re members… Do we actually have to bring it up in the conversation, too? It’s not redundant? At all?

Ok. Just checking.

Then it really was over. People went home, and the hangers-on gave out the Cool Girls Club vibe so we called an informal meeting. It wasn’t as rowdy as the Heathen’s Table, but the same spirit of sisterhood was there until we (reluctantly) decided it was time to go home.

You know, being 11:00 p.m. and all.

50 points if you got that.  Seriously, I will google your name, get your address, and send you 50 points in the mail.

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This is only like, the umpteen millionth time I’ve sat down to write and then I get distracted.  Or tired.  Ok, mostly tired.  I really have got to stop having bouts of sarcasm late at night!  It’s very inconvenient for my writing.

Anywho, I sadly have nothing fantastic to report.  It’s burning somewhere.  I know this because the sky is the color of cloudy pee.  And the light that manages to filter through to the ground makes it look like it’s 4:30 p.m.

In November.

Except it’s 9:37 a.m. in July.  NOT GOOD.

Also not good?  Implementing a token system for screen time right before California catches on fire.  I mean, seriously… couldn’t the arsonists have picked a more convenient time to burn?  Like, in 35 days when my kids are back in school and don’t need a personal cruise director?

Other things that are not good:  I got my math book today.  I’m screwed scared.  You know how in that wretched flick “Peggy Sue Got Married” she tells the math teacher she knows for a fact that she’ll never use algebra in her future?  That’s a lie.  Dude, how do you think you figure out how much per pound something is at the grocery store?  Algebra, my friend.  I would like to point out that this is high school level algebra.  Heck, it’s not even that any more.  It’s more like 4th GRADE algebra now!  College algebra though, even the beginning level, definitely has nothing to do with my future.  I promise.  I’m planning on majoring in Nutrition.  Or Anthropology.  Maybe both, if I’m bored enough (HA!).  If I find out either one of them requires any more math than I already comprehend, you can bet I’ll find something else to get edjamucated in!

You know what else sucks?  Planning a fabulous Chinese chicken stir-fry for dinner and then forgetting all about it until you scarf down a bag of PopSecret Homestyle microwave popcorn with a coconut water chaser 45 minutes before dinner.

Speaking of things I suck at… I got some Two Buck Chuck the other day to marinate my tri-tip with.  (I was going to marinate flank steak, but my man Butcher Bob told me that if I like the marinade it doesn’t matter what cut I put it on, it will taste just like I wanted it to.  And tri-tip was MUCH cheaper than flank.)  I was going to start marinating last night, except I don’t have a corkscrew.  I know, I know, it’s hard to imagine why I would possess liquid yeast for bread making but no corkscrew for marinades but it happened.  So Honey went over to Crystal Seth’s house to borrow one.  It did not go well.  The tri-tip is now in the freezer until I can figure out how to get what’s left of the mangled cork out.

On a more positive note… the American Idol 7 Tour is now underway and the sooner it gets over, the sooner my hottie hot hott David Cook can get into the studio and make me some music that sounds like bedroom eyes!

OOH!  I think I’ll end with this little bit of sweetness today:

We’re driving over to Shana the Beautiful’s earlier to watch the kidlins while she runs some errands and Colbie Caillat’s “Bubbly” comes on the radio.  Little D says to me “Mom, this song makes me happeee… This song makes me kissing you!”