When Rebuilding The Church Looks Like Destroying It*

When Rebuilding The Church Looks Like Destroying It *

I have been accused of believing that the heavens are closed and that God does not speak through his servants today, but that is simply not true.

I believe in the promise and idea of what the church is supposed to be, but that it has been bogged down with policies and cultural preferences that do not reflect the love of our savior Jesus Christ or his mission.  I believe that the church can be what it says it is and I want to help make it better.  If you have no problems or issues at church, I envy you.  I’m not sure whoever said “When the prophet speaks the debate is over”, but they obviously are comfortable with a lot of things I’m not.

Brigham Young said:

“What a pity it would be, if we were led by one man to utter destruction! Are you afraid of this? I am more afraid that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of blink self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken the influence they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let every man and woman know, themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not. This has been my exhortation continually.”

For me personally I feel that past and present LDS leaders (local and at HQ) have continually dismissed, covered up, and outright lied about things in the history of the church; and this is in no way acceptable to me as representatives of the Lord.  I am left to wonder what words are theirs, and which are from the God.

I believe these men are godly.  They love the Lord and they love us.  I do not fault them for their imperfections.  I know the Lord works with what he’s got.  But when the people in charge refuse to humble themselves and instead power forward with statements like “We do not apologize” and ignore the damage they’ve done; I no longer trust every word out of their mouth to be from the Lord.

I am no longer content to go through life accepting stones instead of bread.  I am far from perfect in my quest to live a life that is pleasing to my creator.  I believe that he is my judge, and regardless of whether I ticked off all the boxes on a list of rules set forth by imperfect men leading through a glass darkly or not, he will judge me fairly.  I accept that I do not have all the answers.  I hope that if my words or deeds are hurtful or harmful to you that we can have a conversation about it to understand each other better and make changes where necessary.

I struggle now to find the words to end this statement of belief, so I leave you with this:

Merry Christmas, my dear friends.  My words fail me just now as I try to thank you for all you do and all you are to me.  I wish peace and contentment for you all your days.  It is my prayer that when we wake each morning we remember that “Kindness Begins With Me”.  I pray that more suffering will end than begin, and that I can have the strength to do my part in making that a reality.

Xoxo, Sallygirl

*Click and read the link, please.  It’s relevant and germane to my thoughts here.

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Ok2talk.org

I’ve been hearing and seeing commercials for www.ok2talk.org.  It’s a website that is trying to get young people to open up and talk about their feelings.  Incredibly, in this day and age mental health issues still carry shame and a stigma that make it hard for people with these issues to come forward.  Ok2talk is a safe place you can go to make a tumblr expressing your feelings, and has a helpline number for those in need of immediate help.  1-800-273-TALK (8255).  This is the one I created:

 

“I have felt ugly.  Alone.  Afraid.  FAT.  Helpless.  Depressed.  Worthless.  Sad for a reason.  Sad for NO reason.  Abandoned.  Scared.  Hopeless.  Embarrassed.  Screwed up.  Overwhelmed.  Exhausted.  Insecure.  Neurotic.  Emotional.  Out of control.  Lost.  Confused.  Angry.  Bitter.  Jaded.  Terrified.  Wanted to run away.  Wanted everything to stop hurting.

I wanted to die.

But I’m doing better.

I reached out for help.

It’s SO hard.  You don’t know how to do it.  It’s embarrassing to admit.  You just want someone to know how you feel and rescue you, but YOU have to save yourself.

And you can do it!  You are worth it!

Just ask.

And keep asking.  Don’t stop.

Dying is permanent.  It’s not like the cartoons, you don’t come back after 5 minutes.

If you need that break that you think dying will give you, go to the hospital.  They’ll take care of you there.

People care.  People that know you.  People you don’t.  Strangers.  Doctors.  Teachers.  Family.  Friends.  Police.  Counselors.

You have to believe them when they say you have worth.  When they say you are friendly, or funny, or smart, or talented, or whatever it is that you are that’s GOOD.  Because it’s true.

I know it’s uncomfortable.  To be complimented.  To receive positive attention.

It’s scary to make the choice to save yourself.  Maybe you’ve tried before.  I did several times.  It’s exhausting.  It is overwhelming to keep trying.  But I promise, eventually it will stick.

“But what if it doesn’t last?”

It’s ok.  You did it once.

You can do it again.”

If you know someone who suffers or needs help, please encourage them to come forward and share their voice.  The more there are of us to stand together, the stronger we are.  I’m so grateful to my many friends who have stood by me through my journey.  You have reached out and let me grab hold when I was in despair.  I know that God has placed each of you in my life.  If you feel you have not done anything special, you are wrong.  It was special to me.  Thank you. ❤

 

Life Lessons Learned From The Boob Tube

A friend shared an episode of the show “World’s Strictest Parents – Tooele, UT”.  It’s about two teens from Great Britain that go to live with a Mormon family living in Tooele, Utah.  After watching the entire 57 minutes, I understood something that I never have before:

We have ideals not because we are supposed to become some proscribed version of perfect, but to help ourselves seek and find the best parts of us, our families, our relationships; and work to become those things.

When we do that, we find our own perfect.  That is what we should strive for.

Also, I never understood the “becoming your own master” thing.  But I think I do now.

Understanding these things isn’t going to cure me of all my faults & weaknesses, but for now I’m finding great comfort in them, and I think just the spark of motivation I need to move forward.  I’m human.  I’m never not going to have faults, weaknesses, temptations, feelings!  But I want to hold tight to these thoughts and use them as best I can.

Old and Older

That’s Honey and my new names.  (He’s Older!)

So, D turned 10 today.  Yeah.  My “baby” is a decade old.  Holy shit!

Oh wait, I’m not done with the “you know you’re an old fart when ___” news…

My high school class’ 20th reunion is this summer.  Maybe.  No one seems to know when or where it is, but the pot is starting to stir so hopefully more info will be coming soon.  I didn’t go to the first two.  Too soon.

I’ve been pestering all my old friends like mad to go because I want to make sure I have at least one friend there, besides the one I married, only now that things are moving forward my old frenemy Anxiety has come back to visit.  I am seriously starting to freak out.  None of my motivational speeches are working on myself.

HELP!!!

After all this time, after all I’ve been through and how much I’ve grown it still comes down to, “I’m still fat!”

Will anyone really be glad I came?  Tom, Dick and Harry were real assholes to me.  I can forgive, but am I opening myself up for more?

I think I’m feeling a little more important than I really am.  No one will think twice about me, we’ll all enjoy eachother’s company, awkwardness will ensue when trying to remember who is who or place names with faces, and it will be a great weekend.

So why does it have to be so scary?

To Whom It Concerns, IXIIMCLV

Dear Teacher That Drives A Red Pontiac,

I see you driving like a bat out of Hell.  I’m known to do the same thing on occasion, but I don’t also tailgate or cut people off at the same time.  Especially if people I know are watching.

Sincerely,

Maria Andretti

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Dear Mister Golden Sun,

Please continue to shine down on me.  If you could manage to stay out past 5:30 p.m. that would also be greatly appreciated.

Best,

Not Bella Cullen

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Dear Windows,

I HATE WINDOWS 8!!!  You make it hard for me to want to get the new computer I so desperately need.  Can’t you just go back the way you were?  Or give me the option?

Not your friend,

Windows XP

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Dear Hollywood,

Families like to go to the movies in January and February, too.  I know, you think we only attend in the summer and during the holidays but not true!  Sometimes you need a good laugh when you’ve been cooped up with these brats darlings all winter long.

Your greatest fan,

AMC Stubs Member J

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Dear OSH,

I hate you.  I used to love you, but now I hate you.

I go to your store because it’s closer and smaller, but no one there knows their ass from a hole in the ground.  I stood waiting at your paint counter for 20 minutes, was passed by two employees, waved at the lone register clerk, and no one ever came.  I went to check out but there were seventeen people in line and only one checker so I just left.  Don’t worry though, Home Depot was happy to help to the tune of $68.

Former Customer,

Mrs. GreenJeans

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Dear Jell-O,

I’m not worthy!  I’m not worthy!!

Thank you for inventing fruit punch flavor.  I do hope you will bring back Margarita and Pina Colada.  Also, if you have any Barbie flavor from a few years ago, that would be great too.  It was super yummy!!!  I accept product past the due date as I’m pretty sure you’re mostly sugar and sugar doesn’t expire.

Kiss Kiss,

My Dentist’s Most Lucrative Client

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Dear Comcast/Xfinity,

You blow monkey chunks.

We met in August and had a wonderful relationship until recently when you decided I was no longer worthy of certain channels.  Perhaps I was not supposed to ever have these channels as you claim, and now that you’ve done an audit have cut me off.  I’m sorry but I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that includes Bravo, TLC, and the History Channel.  I believe you are obligated to continue to support me in such a manner as you have led me to believe I had all along and give me those channels back.  Good grief, how does one exist without the Real Housewives, Andy Cohen, and Pawn Stars?!?!

Yours Truly,

Sallygirl