This week I was this —-><—- close to getting divorced. We’ve been struggling for a long time. A LONG time. Oregon gave me a chance to see what life was like in a healthy relationship. My cousin and her wife have a beautiful marriage.
It was not what I wanted. I love Honey with all my heart. But when needs go unmet for as long as they had, something’s got to give.
So on Monday I left him.
Cut him out of our room and my heart. It was bloody, bloody surgery.
Many of us think of divorce in the abstract. We all know someone, more than one someones I bet, who’s been divorced. We might sometimes wonder what it would be like to have our lives change like that, but how many of us get down to planning the details?
Although we had yet to tell anyone, I had already decided that the reasons and whys of us splitting were not for public consumption. I know that would have been difficult for many. But believe it or not, it would have been harder to understand; and I just don’t have the energy to explain it over and over and over to each person, as much as you care about us.
I did tell a couple of friends what was happening. I had to so I wouldn’t kill myself. If you are not one of the people I told, please don’t take it personally. I didn’t want to tell anybody in the first place so I tried to keep it as close to the vest as possible in case things turned around. I carry a lot of shame living with mental illness. I try to be open about it because I don’t want others to suffer alone, and I want those who don’t struggle to realize mental illness is as real as diabetes or cancer, and just as lethal.
On Tuesday I made a plan to go back to Oregon. It’s the only other place I feel loved and accepted warts and all. I knew I would be free to ugly cry my heart out there, and then given the strength and help I needed to build my new life up.
Wednesday I cried off and on all day in bed. Thursday I went and saw Magic Mike XXL, and cried at that.
When Friday came around, a miracle happened. Two girlfriends took me to lunch. I decided not to drive my car into the river. S and I saw Inside Out (where I bawled). Last night Husband took me out, and asked me to stay. He did not want me to go either.
Saturday is a new day. New life has been breathed into me, and although I still fear the future I also have immense relief knowing that there is one. There is much to be done before we will be happy again. Marriage is a LOT of work. I still need to take some time and think about what staying means, what staying looks like.
I know you’ll have questions. I may or may not answer them. I hope you can respect that.