I Can’t Adult

I think that damn little hamster in my head needs his legs broken.  I’m not sad, but I’m definitely depressed.  And ashamed.  And scared.

I haven’t showered.  For an amount of time I’m too ashamed to admit.  Actually, I lost count.

I stopped grocery shopping and cooking meals.  At least, on my own anyway.  Honey has to invite me to go shopping with him, and I’m kicking and screaming inside when we go.

I pick up my son from school late because I can’t make myself leave the house.

I’m constantly lonely, and when I get to be with other grownups all I can think of is how uncomfortable it is to be around them.

I’m having a birthday party in two weeks and terrified that nobody will come.

I’m terrified they will.

I’m going to Reno next weekend to be with my sister and nieces.  I’m terrified of that, too.

People say all kinds of nice things to me, they try to lift me up with their words, but I don’t believe them.  It’s not that I think they’re liars, I just know what they say isn’t true.

I can’t live up to those things.

I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you.

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4 thoughts on “I Can’t Adult

  1. I’m so sorry you are in a bad place. I wish I could help. I wish life wasn’t so hard. I wish you could see yourself the way God sees you. I challenge you to do the hard things, and then celebrate your courageous self. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. You are always so incredibly open and honest about your life and what you’re going through, and I admire that. I wish I knew something that would help you, but I don’t. My instinct is to try to cheer you up, but you said yourself that you won’t believe anything I try to say. I hope and pray that you can find some peace and balance in your life soon! Believe it or not, there are many people who love you and are cheering for you! There are no expectations, just love.

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