To Whom It Concerns, Vol. 2015

What better way to start the new year than with an edition of “To Whom it Concerns” ???

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Dear Panera,

Your shortbread sucks.  It looks very pretty, but clearly you did not use the centuries-old recipe from Scotland that my mama uses.  It goes like this:  Butter, butter, some more butter, sugar, butter, sugar, and a pinch of flour to hold it together.  Your recipe goes like this:  Butter, Butter, flour, butter, flour, and a pinch of sugar to hold it together.  See the problem?  Now fix it!

Sincerely,

My Fat Ass

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Dear Mary Kay,

You are a real bitch, you know that?  All I ask for in this world is one stinking lip gloss to make me look naturally pretty, and you have it.  Well, you HAD it.  Sugarberry.  The most perfect lip gloss color in the world.  Some say it’s my fault for not stocking up when I could, but to those people I say:  EAT MY SHORTS!  Now I’m being forced to use a new color.  Berry Dazzle.  Dazzle Berry.  Something with those words in it.  It might end up looking nice, but it is NOT PERFECT!!!!!

Signed,

Someone who is bringing sexy back without you

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Dear NeilMed,

Your products disgust me.  I do not enjoy shooting salty boric acid up my nose.  IT IS WEIRD!!!!  And for several minutes afterwards I get random pockets of it coming out of my nose without warning!  My sinuses are so scared of the process, they clean themselves  before I stick the evil spout in my nose.  I know I am “doing it right” because sure enough, that solution comes dribbling out my nose on the other side; and yet… I STILL CAN’T BREATHE!!! Please, for the love of all that is good and right in the world, find a better, less gross-tgusting way to get all the snot out of my cavities.  Ain’t nobody got time for this!

Congestingly yours,

The Mouth Breather

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Dear youTube,

You are almost as awesome as eBay!  Allllllllmost!!  Although I’m not sure you will ever be better than eBay, you can definitely achieve equal status.  Just today I learned how to make coffee using a French press, cook Irish oatmeal (and quinoa, lentils, beans, etc.) in a rice cooker, and how to cuss in several languages!

Gracias!

Sra. Sallygirl

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Dear IRL FB Friend(s) Who Randomly Message Me About Me,

Thank you!!  It makes me feel so good when you say nice things to/about me!  It’s always a nice surprise and really goes a long way in brightening my day.  I feel so blessed to have so many friends who do this to me!  Sometimes I question myself about myself.  I wonder the real reasons why I think/say/do/believe something.  I have had many questions of this nature recently.  It is a very long, ongoing conversation with myself; and to have a random friend pop up with a positive message reinforces my belief (or my choice to believe) that in spite of my many opposite feelings, I’m doing pretty good in life and headed in the right direction.

You’re the best!!

Love,

Sallygirl ❤

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