That GD Hamster Is Spinning Again!

I was supposed to go to M’s house so I didn’t have to sit by myself in my gloomy, messy house.  I got in the car and started driving, but the crying started too so I turned around and came back.  I got in bed and got the big sobs out, cried at God, got back online and chatted with the only person in the universe I know doesn’t judge and doesn’t project on me.  It’s kind of funny, these last few days I’ve felt so alone but I think I found who I’m looking for.  It’s this friend.  She lives far away, so there won’t be any jam making, but because of her knowledge of how our brains work I feel I really can chat with her even though my face is melted from this uncontrollable sobbing.  Shit is spinning in my brain, and she knows why and doesn’t worry because she understands it.  And nobody here does.  And you know, that’s totally ok.  That’s normal.  Most people don’t have to deal with mental illness this severe in their daily lives.  I don’t have to clarify my words with her, because she GETS it.  I can tell her I’m hurting so much I want to hurt myself and she knows that I’m just expressing how bad I feel, not that I’m actually going to do anything.  For the first time in days I feel relief.

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