To Whom It Concerns, Vol. IXIIVCLM9171QHD

(There is a hidden message in today’s title.  Only those who’ve known me the longest might get it. 50 BILLION house points if you do!)

Dear Costco,

It’s been a long break for us, but now that I’m back I feel betrayed.  You got rid of $10 pillows, and now you’re giving me Select-a-size paper towels.  WTH???  If I wanted Select-a-size I’d get the friggin’ Bounty!  I want my giant-ass Kirkland paper towels back!  I’m still not over you switching to Pepsi at the Food Court and you pull this crap on me?  I’d drop you like a hot rock if Sam’s Club were in the area, and you know how I feel about Voldemart and its holdings!

Not too late to change,

Sallygirl

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Dear Starbucks,

I love me some iced coffee.  It’s a great way to start the day, even when it’s 42′ outside!  But only 3 pumps of sweetener?  Stop being so stingy!  Lay on the sugar, man!  My Go-Go Juice needs equal parts caffeine and sugar!

Not quite buzzed,

Sleepy Sally

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Dear Rocksmith,

You need more Queen.  And Violent Femmes.  And Green Day.  And Eagles.  You have no Eagles!  How can you call yourself a guitar-learning program with no Eagles?  Hotel California is required learning for all true rock fans.

I’m just sayin’,

Rock Goddess Sallygirl

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Dear Jimmy Jim Jim Jim,

I hate you.  Why you gotta post stuff like “I’m taking the Rocksmith 60 day challenge!” and then not give me a guitar so I can take the challenge too?  I can probably fork out the $80 for the program when we get our tax refund, but where am I supposed to get a not sucktacular electric guitar for cheap?

Rock On,

Sissy

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Dear Kaiser,

I’m getting really tired of being hosed around.  It should NOT be this hard to get my crazy pills refilled in a timely manner.  Crazy people without meds = NO BUENO.  You’re so quick to respond to my snark on Twitter, but it takes too much energy for me to contact you after I’ve already snarked about it.  If you want more info, call me directly.  I KNOW you have my number!

Slightly Psychotically Yours,

She Sells Seashells by the Sea Shore

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Dear Ana Banana,

PLEASE MOVE BACK!!!  Montana doesn’t like you!  It’s cold!  And freezing!  The growing season is like, 10 days!  C’mon, move back and you can have the house behind me.  I’ll get it for you!  Then we can knock down the pesky fence and have our little commune!  It will be fabulous.  We can have bees and chickens!  And if you’re quick about it, maybe we can get Chris Hemsworth to be our farm boy! 😀  He can watch the chickens while we jet down to Disneyland.  WITHOUT our kids.  Moms only!

Miss you,

Me

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Dear Pool Boy,

I know you’re required to leave those flyers that say you’ve been here, but please don’t.  They just irritate me.  I don’t know what they mean anyway, I didn’t take Chemistry in high school.  As long as you’re hooking me up with blue water, it’s all good!

Summer’s Coming,

The Big Fat Mermaid

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