I’m going to talk about how I feel right now. I don’t want anything from you, I just want a place I can come and vomit out my feelings so I can start to feel better. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or offend you, but please don’t try to say anything nice, uplifting, encouraging, or anything else like that. It just makes me feel worse. I just want you to listen. You can’t fix anything, so please don’t try. The only thing you can do is listen. And pray. Or tell me about your troubles so I can ignore mine for awhile. Or tell me how fabulous your life is so I can live vicariously through you! Or you can curse a blue streak. Because inside me lives a 10 year-old boy and I giggle like a giddy schoolgirl whenever I hear someone drop a blue bomb.
I need people. I need to be around people. I don’t need to be entertained, I just need to know someone else is there. I can sit and read, you can go about your business, or we can visit, whatever; but to be alone is to be quiet. And if I’m quiet, then my mind wanders. And if my mind wanders….
I’m just so pissed. And mad. I have all these feelings and I just want them to go away! Shit, I can’t even write coherently about it. This is the seventeenth time I’ve started a sentence and nothing comes out right. I just want the noise to stop. There’s so much noise in my head… (sigh) Sometimes I want to bash my head to make it all go away. Start fresh with a new head. Please don’t read that as me wanting to hurt myself, that’s not what I mean. I just. want. the noise. to. STOP!!!
I just want to make my fudge, or my caramels, or my cookies, or dinner for my family (we eat a lot of breakfast dinner around here), I want to listen to music and only feel joy instead of darkness. I want to give service to others. I want to be a better, truer friend. A better mom. A better wife. I want to be a student. I want to give… Be full, instead of empty all the time.
That is what I feel every day.