I’m going to talk about how I feel right now.  I don’t want anything from you, I just want a place I can come and vomit out my feelings so I can start to feel better.  I don’t want to hurt your feelings or offend you, but please don’t try to say anything nice, uplifting, encouraging, or anything else like that.  It just makes me feel worse.  I just want you to listen.  You can’t fix anything, so please don’t try.  The only thing you can do is listen.  And pray.  Or tell me about your troubles so I can ignore mine for awhile.  Or tell me how fabulous your life is so I can live vicariously through you!   Or you can curse a blue streak.  Because inside me lives a 10 year-old boy and I giggle like a giddy schoolgirl whenever I hear someone drop a blue bomb.

I need people.  I need to be around people.  I don’t need to be entertained, I just need to know someone else is there.  I can sit and read, you can go about your business, or we can visit, whatever; but to be alone is to be quiet.  And if I’m quiet, then my mind wanders.  And if my mind wanders….

I’m just so pissed.  And mad.  I have all these feelings and I just want them to go away!  Shit, I can’t even write coherently about it.  This is the seventeenth time I’ve started a sentence and nothing comes out right.  I just want the noise to stop.  There’s so much noise in my head… (sigh)  Sometimes I want to bash my head to make it all go away.  Start fresh with a new head.  Please don’t read that as me wanting to hurt myself, that’s not what I mean.  I just. want. the noise. to. STOP!!!

I just want to make my fudge, or my caramels, or my cookies, or dinner for my family (we eat a lot of breakfast dinner around here), I want to listen to music and only feel joy instead of darkness.  I want to give service to others.  I want to be a better, truer friend.  A better mom.  A better wife.  I want to be a student.  I want to give… Be full, instead of empty all the time.


That is what I feel every day.


3 thoughts on “Stormfront

  1. This made me cry!! Because this is how I feel today!!! I came in my room before I blew up on somebody !!!You are not alone !! I find myself writing in hidden journal a lot cause there is nobody else to talk to nobody to hear what I have to say!! At least when I write I have the last word!!! My heart goes out to you!! You are not alone in this journey!! You and I need to get together one of theses days and not just on Wednesdays!!! Take care my friend !! I’m always here for you!! Just remember this I heard this on Dr. Phil the other day it sounds selfish but I love it……” You are the most important person in your life right now … If you want things to be better in your life you must work hard to make it happen… Don’t dwell in what other people say or think about you.. Make life for the better !!!”” [[[hugs]]] to you!!!

  2. Hey Sally… You know what you should do? Get a bunch of girlfriends together… ones who don’t mind saying Fuck all the time (like in Bridgette Jones)… Get some wine/ Rum & Coke / Mudslides and watch Magic Mike together! Yep… that should do the trick! Just so you know, that is exactly what I am doing this Wed… there’s 4 of us and 2 of them are in the RS Presidency!!!!

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