To Whom It Concerns, Vol. 0528

Dear In-N-Out Burger,

Why do you not have a store at your warehouse in my town?  It is much more convenient to drive down the street than across town for your juicy goodness.  If you build it, we will come!

Xoxo,

Carnator Sally

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Dear “Accuweather”,

Your name is in parentheses because yesterday you said it would be 83′ and then 81′ per day for the next four days.  Yesterday it was 86′.  This is ok.  Today you say only 77′, then two days of 80′, and worst of all, on Monday?  66′!!!!!

This is not acceptable.  You must now change your name or I will file a suit for false advertising.

Regards,

The Human Popsicle

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Dear Mister Golden Sun,

How long I have waited for your return to our fair lands and how great is my joy at seeing you again!  I love you more than life itself.  You make me so happy, and tan, and blonde!  I just want to hold you and cuddle you and pet you (all while wearing SPF 50 of course!).

If you love me back, please continue to shine after 8:00 p.m. PDT.  When I see you as you begin to set after that time, I will know your love is true.

Forever yours,

Sallygirl

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Dear Chick-fil-A,

It’s me again.  I’ve got to say, you’ve really hurt my feelings.  First you announce in September of 2011 that you will build a store in my town, then those bastards at McDonald’s steal your spot and you go away.  Then you tell me not to worry, you’ll open a store in early 2013 in Modesto (a location much closer to me than Elk Grove) but when I check your website for store openings it’s nowhere to be seen.

Now we have trust issues.  How can you keep lying to me like this and then expect me to still want your buttery crispy chicken?  My love for you is beginning to wax cold.

Not very truly yours,

The Beefeater

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Dear Doctor,

My time is valuable too.  If you continue to make appointments with me and then only have time to see me an hour or more after I arrive, I may be forced to become a strain on the health care system by making the Emergency Room my primary care doctor.  Neither one of us wants this.  Tell your boss to stop being such a cheap tightwad and hire more doctors, or you see less patients (but not me) because this is beyond ridiculous.  It’s ridonkulous!

Up Yours,

The Time Accountant

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Dear Summer,

I can’t wait to see you!  There is much to be happy about.  I have 14 films to see (mostly blockbuster action packed stuff like Iron Man 3), some trips to the beach, a 20th high school reunion trip and a four day camping trip at the beach planned for our enjoyment.  It’s going to be so much fun!!  I’m super excited to try out my new pool floaty bed.  We are going to get SO TAN!!

See you soon!

Sunshine 5

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Dear Comcast,

Your customer service is so abominable I don’t even have words to describe it.  I feel dejected, demoralized, and defeated.

You win,

Trapped Monopoly Customer

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Dear Chase,

I don’t like your new customer service number.  It is a pain in the ass to memorize.  Why did you have to change it?  The old one worked just fine for the last 14 years.  You are dumb.

Regards,

Creature of Habit

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Dear Friends,

It turns out it wasn’t a new therapist I saw today but a new meds doctor.  I like her but I’m scared because we’re changing my meds.  Please say a little prayer for me.  Or a big one.  Whatever you got is good.

Love,

Me.

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50,000,000 house points if you know the significance of 0528!

(yes I am keeping track)

(yes, there is an award)

 

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