Quick! I need an exorcism! I’m fairly certain I was possessed by some kind of devil and had an out of body experience.
Tomorrow a friend from church is getting married so Honey is over at the Stake Center helping set up tables & chairs for the reception. B and S are on their monthly scout campout (thank you leaders!), and D? I don’t know. He might still be at his bff’s or he could be helping Honey. At any rate, I am home alone.
Or am I?
I showed you all my little startups yesterday, but what I didn’t show you is the mess that has taken over the front garden bed where they will be laid to rest. It’s terrible. Not as bad as it was earlier this year before we had a family service project for ourselves, but almost.
I’m sitting on the davenport trying to find last night’s episode of Grey’s on demand and getting pissed that it’s not there. Usually I watch it on Friday mornings because I either have Girl’s Night Out or some other kind of awesomeness that keeps me from my favorite medical drama, so I’m wondering if it’s only available Friday morning and then they take it away as a way of saying “HA HA SUCKER! You should’ve watched live and in person!” But I digress…
I’m flipping through different ways of locating my show when all of a sudden, something snaps! I get up, I find my new garden gloves, and from there it gets fuzzy. It’s like I’m floating in the air watching all this happen. I see myself searching under counters and in the garage for black yard bags, then my body is propelled outside to the yard. Green is flying everywhere! Someone is pulling weeds like a maniac! There’s a HUGE worm under a pot. I mean, this thing could be mistaken for another kind of animal it’s so large!
Then there’s a huge ass sticking up in the air. Neighbors gather with their laptop and some popcorn and they start showing a movie on it while this madwoman continues to decimate the foliage of the garden bed.
All the while I’m floating in the air wondering who this person is and why is she ruining my free salad greens? (Did you know that dandelion greens can be used for salad? No, I have not actually done this since I’m pretty sure the neighborhood cats use mine as toilet paper, but theoretically you could!)
In the background I can hear music playing. “It’s the end of the world as we know it… it’s the end of the world as we know it… it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!”
No I don’t! I’m starting to get scared! Why won’t somebody wake me up from this terrible dream? There’s all kinds of WORK going on and I’m allergic to work! Doesn’t she realize I could break out in hives at any minute?
Finally the nightmare is over. The bed is not quite finished and the dead lie in a pile on the sidewalk, but I can tell the woman has used up every ounce of energy she had from the moment she was born to now to accomplish this death-defying feat.
The next thing I know I’m back in my body, yanking a Frostie Root Beer out of the fridge and sitting down with a sore neck.
What the hell just happened?
Did anybody call the priest? I know I’m not Catholic, but they kind of specialize in this kind of thing.
I need a shower. I can feel weed cooties all over me. Somebody find that lady and bitch slap her for me while I hunt down some antihistamine.