So I was talking to Honey about stuff, and how I’m SO unhappy and I don’t want to be SO unhappy I just am, and blah blah blah, I already talked about it here too. I said all the things out loud that were bothering me and one of the things I didn’t understand was why things that bothered me didn’t bother him. He said that even though he had trials and suffering of his own, it didn’t get him down so much because it all seemed balanced out and because he was able to find joy in the other parts of his life.
He noted that I don’t seem to be able to feel/find joy, and I recognize that to be true but it’s so frustrating because I REALLY WANT TO! And it seems to me that I used to be able to do that (retain joy) a lot better than I have in recent years, which just adds to my frustrations. I felt just as frustrated as I had before we talked, but also a little better because I was able to recognize that the lack of joy, or able to retain that feeling, is part of this wretched disease.
So what have I learned?
Depression is more than just feeling like crap about everything about one’s self. It’s more than feeling worthless, useless, and like the world would be better off without you. It also sucks the joy out of life even when you don’t feel like crap, and even when you are taking active steps to not let it ruin anything good.
I wish knowing these things made it better when I’m going out of my mind but it doesn’t. Knowledge doesn’t always = power. But in this moment while the clouds have cleared I want to say how grateful I am to all of you, to my husband, my family and my friends, that stand by me when I am so terribly low.
I hope it’s as worthwhile as it is exhausting for you to be my friend. I’m choosing to believe that it is since you’re still here all these years later.