Break On Through

So, there’s this wall of feelings that I’m trying to break through.  There’s nothing that comes to mind when I try to think of what it is, I can only say what it feels like.  The examples I came up with this morning are:

  • It feels like Tom Hanks in “Cast Away” when he first tries to leave the island on his half-inflated life raft.  So far so good… Nope!  Here comes the giant wave!  DENIED!  Try again.
  • It feels like I’m climbing a mountain of gravel.  Only instead of gaining traction and ascending the mountain, I keep sliding through the gravel and staying in place.
  • It feels like being in the center of a Jello cube and trying to claw my way out.

How’s that for some description?  Have we all got our mental picture now?  Good.  Ok.  So now what I’m trying to do is get past that, only there isn’t anything I can do.  It just takes time.  I just have to ride the wave until it’s over, and then I’ll be on the other side.  I’m cool with that, but I’m terrified of having a relapse.  Honey has to go back to work tomorrow (he’s been off for spring break), and as wonderful and well-meaning as my closest friends are, I just don’t feel safe clinging to anyone but him during this time.  I know I can call you, or come over and hang with you.  I know you love me and want to help me.  And I also know that there comes a point when I can’t cling to Honey anymore, I have to stand on my own two feet.  But it’s only been 10 days, and that time hasn’t come yet.

So in the mean time, I accept all forms of prayer, meditation, and good vibrations sent my way; and when I’m ready to let go of my security blanket you can step up in his place.  Because I’m sure I’ll still need lots of support then, too.


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