To Whom It Concerns, Vol. IXII

(50 million house points if you caught the Disney film referenced in today’s title.)

Dear Grown Man Jackass,

Those little girls selling their cookies?  Stop shouting at them about how nobody needs that much sugar!  Just hang your head as you rush by and say “No thanks” like everybody else.  It’s the Girl Scouts’ biggest fundraiser and every single other person on the planet looks forward to these two weeks of the year almost as much as they do Christmas, so shut your pie hole and move on!

Yours Truly,

ex-Brownie, Sal

p.s.  Your wife/girlfriend can smell those cookies you walked past.  You’re in the dog house for not bringing her a year’s supply of Thin Mints.


Dear Maybelline,

That “14 Hour” new lipstick you’re hawking?  Doesn’t even last 60 minutes.  I want my $7.29 back.


Mary Kay


Dear Costco,

Instead of giant muffins, how about smaller muffins but more of them?  Because cutting them in half doesn’t stop me from eating the whole thing.

Bigger By the Breakfast,

Miss Piggy


Dear Trader Joe’s,

You already know how much I love you and want you to build a store here.  I regularly travel 15ish miles, each way, to patronize you, and have a trunk full of your reusable shopping totes to prove my loyalty to you.  Can you imagine my hurt when I last visited the Stockton store and discovered you had expanded and remodeled instead of saving just a few more pennies and opening a store near me?  It was tragic!  I cried for five minutes until I got to the sample corner and tasted the caramelized onion tartlets, which momentarily assuaged my pain!  Do you know how many wanna-be Richies live in my town that would just kill to shop your wares every other day (because there are no preservatives in anything you sell) to show how trendy they are??  It’s a lot.  Way more than the old farts that shop up in Stockton that you remodeled for.

Suffering In Silence,

Budding Health Nut


Dear Disneyland,

Keep your billboards to yourself!  You show NO LOVE to us Northern Californians by mocking us with your SoCal Resident’s pass, while we are stuck with the “Deluxe” pass the rest of the plebians in the universe can buy.  Do you know what you are doing to the economies of the cities situated along I-5 and Hwy 99 with your snobbery?  YOU’RE KILLING THEM!!!  That’s right!  We’d love to be zipping down when we are bored to death too sick to go to work or school (but not contagious, of course) and patronize gas stations, hotels and Starbucks fast-food drive thrus along the way; but no…. our zip codes are too high for you.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?  If you shoot guns near our feet, do we not dance?  If you force us to watch FOX’s “Touched” pilot over and over, do we not cry?

Yes.  Yes, we do!


Your Not-too-far Sibling to the North


Dear Steven Tyler,

I love you.  I love you so much, I middle-named my baby after you.  I dig your wardrobe, but for the love of all things fashionable – QUIT WEARING BELL BOTTOMS!  You are not in the navy, and it is not the 1970’s any more.


New York Fashion Week


Dear Jack Black,

Three words (and a number):

School of Rock 2!!!

Yours Truly,

Your #1 Stalker Fan

p.s. Nacho Libre 2!!!


And so ends another edition of “To Whom It Concerns…”  If you have enjoyed reading today’s letters and agree with their sentiments, please consider writing and sending letters of your own.  Remember, there’s power in numbers!!!

One person can make a difference!

United we stand, divided we fall!

Si, se puede!


One thought on “To Whom It Concerns, Vol. IXII

  1. Amen to the Costco muffins. I would buy many, many more if they were normal sized. I don’t need a muffin with it’s own gravitational pull. That’s just bad news for all of us.

    Trader Joe’s is a mythical place that I have often heard about but have never seen. I doubt it really exists.

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