To Whom It Concerns, Vol. 973

Dear AMC Theaters,

I love you.  I love going to the movies.  Here’s two things I don’t love:  1) Paying $20/person for the Harry Potter 7 double feature on the eve of Part 2 and getting crammed into one of the theaters with a smaller screen, and 2)  The smaller you make your TP, the more I’m gonna have to use!  I am sure other businesses are skimping on the TP, too, but since I avoid public bathrooms at all costs and yours is one that I condescend to use, I noticed it there.  And I’m sorry, but a 3″ width in addition to the .003mm thickness is going to definitely cause me to use more, not less.


A Rabid Stubs Member


Dear Starburst, Taffy Town, and Other Candy Manufacturers Not Mentioned,

Recently I went camping with my family.  It was friggin’ hot.  We went to the gas station to pick up some ice and they had a candy display right beneath the cash registers.  I noticed the new Starburst package and couldn’t wait to see what flavors it had.  I picked it up and went, “What the hell?!?!”  Not because the flavors were so awesome, but because I noticed THE SQUARE IS SMALLER!

Even more recently I visited Virginia City, NV with my family.  If you are not familiar, it is an old mining town with many little stores, one of which sells candy.  Now, it is my fault for asking my near-teenaged son to find how how much per pound all this fabulous candy (mostly every flavor of saltwater taffy under the sun!) was selling for that caused me to spend more money on taffy than I will ever admit (p.s. it’s not by the pound, it’s by the half-pound), but as I was enjoying my extremely expensive taffy I noticed something disturbing:  THE TAFFY WAD IS SMALLER!!!

I am now convinced that investing in taffy and fountain drinks will finance a verrrrry comfortable retirement for my husband and me.  This is because they are the two biggest markups in the universe, at like a bazillion percent profit!


The Woman Who Put Her Dentist’s Kids Through Catholic School (and possibly college!)


Dear Coke,

When I told the lady at the cafe at lunch the other day that I wanted extra caffeine in my Coke because I was so happy to be out of the land of Pepsi (a.k.a. everywhere in Reno), I didn’t mean I also wanted it in my Coke Zero at the movies today.  You’ll note that it is 2:21 a.m. as I am writing this post.

Please take note of this for future reference.


A Coke Mainliner (but the good kind of Coke, not coke with a little “c”)


Dear Honey,

YOU SNORE.  I know you can’t help it, but sometimes I get tired of kicking you so you’ll turn over.  We need a king sized bed.  Or I’ll just duct tape your mouth shut so you’re forced to breath through your nose and not your mouth.  Whatever.  Your choice.

Love, Me


Dear Jon Favreau,

I understand scheduling conflicts, but I’m seriously questioning the awesomeness of “Iron Man 3” since you are not directing.

Let’s have lunch,



Dear Neighbor,

I’m glad you got rid of your yippy dog.  Or at least keep it inside at night.  I was going to have to steal my mom’s Ambien and stuff it into a meatball to chuck over the fence.  I’m just sayin’.

Yours Truly,

The Neighbor Who Has No Scruples When It Comes To Being Woken At 4:16 a.m. By Your Barking Rat


Dear Android,

I HATE YOU.  And my brother.  I only bought you because I wanted my brother to think I was cool, and because I was dumb enough to believe him that Apple is making me a sheep.


Apple Lover


Dear Skullcandy,

I know why you picked that name.  Because using your ear buds is like candy for my skull.  Oh yeah!

Peace Out,



Dear Body,

I hate you.  All summer I tried staying up really really late so I could sleep in really really late, but you betrayed me and made me sleepy at 9:00 p.m. and waking me at 7:30.  This is not school time!  This is summer time!!  And now that school is 3 weeks away you have finally made this discovery and it is too late!  You had just better switch right back because I want to car pool this year and I can’t do that if I’m the mom that’s chronically late from sleeping too long!


The Boss


Goodnight, then.  Sandman finally whacked me in the head.  Zzz…


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