I’m going camping today with my family. For 4 days. I could use some of your patron saint of camping prayers, please.
This camping crap’s not cheap! I mean, sure, if you want to eat nasty-azz 99-cent Bar-S hotdogs for every meal it could be. But what if you don’t? What if you want things like chicken kebabs with coconut-couscous? And flank steak in hoisin-soy glaze with grilled summer squash? And pasta salad with artichoke crowns (not hearts because those last leaves suck!), chopped up string cheese and julienned sun-dried tomatoes? And pancakes just make your blood sugar crash 10 minutes after you eat, so you need stuff like hard-cooked eggs (cooked before you leave) and creamy polenta w/chicken apple sausage scramble for breakfast! Then there’s the propane, the firewood, the gas to get to the campsite, the gallons of bug spray, the new (PINK!) sunglasses you had to get because your cute butterfly-templed ones kept falling off your face and scratched the lenses up so bad you thought you lost your contacts when wearing them, the new air mattress pump you have to buy because you can’t find the little tube thingy that hooks up to the one you already have (but then you find it later. In your pajama drawer.), the lantern batteries (because you know if you use the old-school Coleman lantern your parent gave you, you will probably blow up the place), the glow-in-the-dark bracelets you have to get so the kids can find their way to the potty at night because you are notbuying flashlights for them to lose again (plus, they’re stashed in your 72-hour kit in the garage), and then you remembered last time you went camping that you bent like, 99% of the stakes so you have to get new ones. Which makes you remember you need some kind of mallet to whack those things into the ground because shoes? Those don’t work so good. So you go to
Satan’s Shopping Mart Wal-Mart and find one which you are shocked to see is $14.88, but you gotta have it so…. Then when you go to OSH to pick up the special skinny blue propane cans because you were an early adopter of the Weber-Q and the morons hadn’t put propane can holder thingies on there that were the same size as the normal green propane cans, you find an equally effective mallet as the one you got at Satan’s Shopping Mart Wally World for $3.00!!!
Then you have to decide… it’s hotter than hell up there. Do you use sleeping bags or haul up a couple of skinny blankets and hope for the best? And you have to make sure you make cute little campfire song booklets because somehow 8-12 years have gone by and you haven’t indoctrinated your children, your BOY children, into all the silly, nasty camping songs you ever learned. And because your family gene pool is super-screwed up, you have GOT to make sure you don’t forget anybody’s medications. Otherwise, you will be taking the tent right back down and going home five minutes after you finish setting it up!
Did I forget to mention that there are five of us and we no longer have a minivan?
That’s right boys and girls, we will be cramming all this crap into our great-auntie’s Buick! (Which we are totally grateful to have to drive, I’m just sayin’ its trunk isn’t big enough for two and a half bodies, which is the kind of space you need when packing for a trip like this!)
With that, I have finished my 39 minute break from packing like a madwoman and must return to the duties at hand. Everything is ready except the camp kitchen (you know, pots, utensils, etc.) and I really need a shower. I like to be clean before I get dirty!