A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time there lived a girl in a town called “Hotter Than Hell During A Heat Wave”.  She was a very good girl.  She turned her children into slave labor good little workers and rewarded them with a movie at the theater every Wednesday.  Occasionally she made dinners, yelled that it wasn’t her problem when the kids fought taught the kids how to resolve problems on their own, and even killed a garden’s worth of tomato plants on the front porch figured out that planting tomatoes in the front yard was a brilliant idea to keep the family dogs from peeing or dumping on chewing the plants before they had a chance to produce anything.  One day while watching Transformers 2: The Fallen an educational program about robots that could transform into other machines she noticed it was getting a little hot in the house.  This seemed a bit strange since the thermostat is permanently set to 77′ and is on pretty much 24/7 now that summer decided to show up in HTHDAHW.  She removed the wire cover thingy and poked around, she checked the batteries, and she noticed that on the display it said it was working.  “Cool” was flashing, indicating that the fan was on and keeping the house like an icebox in Greenland.  Except… IT WASN’T.  This sent the girl to Defcon 5 at Anxiety HQ because as fabulous of a wife and mother she is, she turns into the fetal position sobbing and rocking to self-sooth a beached whale that’s been sitting on the couch shore for weeks if the ambient comfort machine (a.k.a. the A/C) stops working.

Luckily, somebody from LDS A/C came by to see what he could do.  He put on his official tool belt and brought his ginormous tool box and poked here, there, and everywhere.  After examining the people pacifier the A/C he got an idea of what to do and said he would come back soon.  At the time this satisfied the girl and she resumed her normal activities of bossing the kids around organizing activities for her children.  It turns out that although summer had arrived in Hotter Than Hell During A Heat Wave, spring had decided to return for a few days and Mother Nature took care to see that all was right in the world at 77-78′.

Soon, the man from LDS A/C returned with the part.  He put it in, it worked, and then it blew up.  This made the woman silently curse the rat bastard electrician who did the wiring in her house when it was built.  Normally she would never use such language, even in secret, because she believes that all people are good until they get on The List, and then they’re screwed and deserve the benefit of good karma.  The repairman was so very apologetic because he was sure it would work and he knew that the temperatures were going to rise before he could return.  He even offered the spare rooms in his home to ease the discomfort that was rapidly approaching.  The gesture was much appreciated, but six people and two dogs would doubtfully fit very comfortably so the girl and her family decided to stay at home and maybe purchase an extra fan or two.

The fans worked for a day, but then it got SO hot in HTHDAHW that the fans just started to blow the hot air!  This caused the girl so much agony that she condescended to go into the pool in the back yard, even though its freezing waters were just as torturous as the heat-blowing fans.  Eventually she took the plunge and straightaway felt so much better!

Until she started getting ready for bed later that evening.

While brushing her teeth she noticed that one of her eyeballs had been quite teary during the day and it seemed unusually red in color.  This caused great panic as our girl wears contact lenses, and even though she just got two new boxes of lenses from the optometrist, one of her deliciously destructive sweet boys knocked the boxes off the bed where she left them at which time the dog decided that they were some new kind of treat and promptly ate one of the boxes.  One of her greatest fears is to have pink eye, and if she wakes in the morning with a crusted over eye, several people will be marked for death baked cookies without sugar in them.  The first would be the pool guy who supposedly cleaned the pool the other evening, and the second would be the dog that ate all the rest of my her damn lenses!

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of our story.  Unless I have pink eye and can’t use the computer for fear of infecting others, which in turn would re-infect me, and on and one, this is the song that never ends…

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