Still Here

I’m still here.  I’m myself 49% of the time, and the other 51% is me learning how to deal.  Here’s the thing:  All of my life I have been rescued from unpleasant-ness of most sorts.  Which has made me quite lazy.  And a good portion of the last few years have been spent making half-hearted attempts at getting better, but not really.  I must have reached bottom because I am absolutely miserable trying to change myself.  It’s very slow going.  I don’t want to change, but I don’t like who I’ve become.  There is a lot of internal (and external!) weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.  I hate change.  HATE.  That is not a word I use lightly.  But I hate it.  But there’s nothing left for me to do but do it.  The longer you keep at something the easier it gets, right?  Just say “right!”, even if you have to lie.  I need to believe that or I can’t get through this.  When I come out the other side, I hope we’ll still be friends.  I don’t want to change that much.  At least, not those parts of me that we like.

Well, I gotta go.  It’s 9:55 and still hotter than hell so I guess I need to turn the a/c back on.



3 thoughts on “Still Here

  1. Sally:

    I can tell you from personal experience that you do get through it and you will be much happier and stronger for taking on the challenge. I’m willing to talk about my own struggle (and victory) over my own personal demons if you want to reach out to me offline. Its not something I’m willing share in an online setting.

    Hang in there.

  2. This sounds so much like me. Last week I had kind of this duh moment: If I don’t want my life to feel like it’s spiralling out of control then maybe I should try to exert some control – i.e. do some work. So I spent a whole day working my butt off cleaning the house. Then the next day I was too tired to do crap. What is the answer? I know not …

    Love you mama

  3. “Right!” What’s that quote about the things we persist in doing becoming easier because our ability to do them has increased?
    I’ve found that personal improvement is way too overwhelming to take on all at once. I end up failing and then I get depressed and do the self-hate thing. But in the last couple years, I’ve figured out something that works for me. I set a goal (a teeny one) and promise myself that I’ll do it for one week, or one month. Really, I have no intention of ever stopping (because the end goal is permanent change, right?) but I can’t tell my brain that. It would shut down. So I tell my brain “one week – you can do anything for one week” and my brain believes me. Then I do it again. I don’t let myself think about all the things I’m NOT doing because I can only handle one new thing at a time. But by the end of a year, it has become a habit that I can do without too much thought and I can move on to the next teensy-tiny goal. Baby steps, Bob. Baby steps.
    Good luck, Sally! Love you!

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