I Have So Many Peeves, I Keep Them As Pets

Of which there are so many, how do I choose No. 1?

In no particular order I shall announce to the world some of my latest and greatest pet peeves that you might avoid committing them in front of me lest the wrath of the god of my other religion (which is the Church of Sally) be visited upon you:

– Urine anywhere outside of the toilet bowl.  Seriously.
– People that leave one square of TP on the roll.
– Unflushed toilets.  Especially in public.
– Manual-flush toilets.  We are in an age where EVERYBODY, especially public potties, should have the magic flushers!!
(anyone sense a theme here?)

– When the mailman comes after 1:00 p.m.  Really, he would ideally come at 11:30, but anything after 1:00 is borderline ridiculous.  They get paid the same amount whether it takes them two or twelve hours to do the route, so why not hurry it up, or at least stop at my place first?  Priorities, people!
– Getting in the checkout at the grocery store behind someone with only one thing to buy (or even a huge cart which is pretty much wrapped up) and me and my overflowing cart are behind you when you decide to chat up the checkout girl.
– People who take children who are clearly not mature enough for the content to the movies.  It doesn’t matter if they are quiet, it’s just not right to subject someone so young to something so out of their realm of understanding just because you can’t get a sitter!

– Why does the grocery store get the new issue of the many magazine subscriptions I have a full 2 WEEKS before I do?  I mean, aside from saving money the whole reason I subscribe is because I have been led to believe that one of the perks is getting your issue before the rest of the general public!

– Whose awesome idea was it to remove the trash cans at the end of the drive-thru and then forbid the window workers to accept empties for their trash?  I can see denying you a trash drop because you’re giving them a cup/bag from another establishment, but if I’m handing you my watered-down Coke from when I saw you 3-4 hours ago why can you not just chuck it for me?  Do you not remember the crying Indian commercial?  Do you want to create a bizillion litterers in 30 days or less?

– Jamba Juice.  You have a good product.  Quit trying to screw it up.  You don’t need to put out a canned energy drink.

– People (ok, my children) who put recycling in the trash, and trash in the recycling.  Seriously.  It’s been 5 years now, I think you know the difference.

– Laundry.  Why do you keep getting dirty?  Has technology not come far enough to invent some kind of fiber or compound that acts like Teflon but lets the cloth still act normal in all other ways so that you only have to wash when you sweat like a pig and stink it up?

– Homework.  FTW? (that’s Frack the Whack for you language policers)  Homework should not equal “My job sucks so I will make you miserable, too.”  Homework should be for children who need extra help grasping the concept or material being taught, or who were too naughty to finish it in class.  Think about it, do you want to spend your nights grading?  NOooooooo.  You want to have a life, too!  I know you do because I’m married to a teacher who has no life because he’s always working.  Stop creating unnecessary work for yourselves!  Stick it to the man and say “No more busywork!  It will not improve test scores!!”  Viva la revolucion!  Si se puede!  Besame mi patootie!

– Writer’s block.  It is so rude.  I know I have seriously important stuff to say and sometimes it’s like my brain is constipated because I can’t make it come out!  For instance, did you know that I originally started this post on July 19, 2009?!?!  Ok, in this instance I actually have the attention span of a gnat and forgot it was waiting in my drafts folder.  But there are lots of other times it’s true!

I have to stop.  I’m still on my reading binge and must get to book #4 in my pile.  It’s overdue and I’m not so sure they let you renew online if you have fines.  Never fear, Peeves are like the song that never ends.  It just goes on and on my friends.  Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends….

DEATH TO LAMBCHOP!!

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