You should have stopped driving yesterday. If you had, you wouldn’t be driving 15 miles below the speed limit in front of me with no where for me to pass you. Your family might not want to take away your independence, but I am happy to do it. There is bus service and a huge amount of Jewish guilt you can unload on people (regardless of whether you are in fact Jewish or not) about how you need a ride to somewhere, and people will be all too happy to oblige!
Sincerely, Drives With Leaden Feet
Dear Charter School,
You say you have no bus service, and yet, you have a bus! What is up? Have you seen the cost of gas? Don’t make me choose between a second mortgage and my kids getting teachers that are not equipped to handle their needs!
Dear Daylight Savings,
I LOVE YOU!!! I love everything about you. I love that the boys play outside and care nothing for when we have dinner. I love having dinner at 9:00 because we are all too busy enjoying other pursuits because, hey, it’s still light outside! Please stay FOR. EV. ER!!!
I wish I were independently wealthy so that I could ensure that you are open at any time I feel like going to the library. I do not appreciate furlough days, or lame hours (like who can wait until 12:00 for you to open? and how am I supposed to have an enjoyable evening if I can’t swing by at 6:00 p.m. to pick up my holds?), and although I may go to Hell for saying so, I think going to the library on a Sunday is a FANTASTIC sabbath day activity. You know, as long as you don’t mind volunteering instead of working for pay that day. Also, please make sure your lesser-known Library Ladies are more familiar with me in case I should forget my library card, which is often.
Thanks a million,
I am starting to hate you. You have plenty of movies to stream instantly if you care nothing for good entertainment, but I do. I don’t understand why you can’t let me stream classic cartoons for edjamacating my children in the finer things in life. Cartoons like “Transformers”, “He-Man”, “Thundercats”, classic “Spiderman” and “Jem”. Ok, that last one is for me, but whatever. I see you have recent releases like “Toy Story 3”, so why is popping up a few “G.I. Joe” episodes too much to ask?
Woman With A Budget (a.k.a. EverymotherinAmerica)
Dear Gas Man,
I know you are a man so don’t start with me on the sexism thing. Why else would you make gas cost so damn much? Look, you can either be cheap(er) and I can buy lots of gas because I’m going lots of places, or you can be expensive and I can not only go nowhere but start cutting out places I have to go. Like school. My kids are perfectly capable of walking across the street to school for a less-than-stellar education, but I am driving them 15 miles round-trip 2x a day to a school that is better equipped to handle their too-smart-for-their-own-good selves. I can also start eating crappier by buying more processed stuff and going shopping less often because that crap lasts longer. It’s up to you.
With vehement disaffection,
The Family Limo Driver
Dear Mother Nature,
FTW? What is up with this weather? We had a deal! It’s near the end of April, I should be having days consistently reaching the high 70’s to mid-80’s for weeks at a time by now. Your weepiness has put a real cramp on my growing stuff. Also, the kids can’t use the pool when you are so fickle. That makes them bug me more for stuff to do, and we all know I am not a cruise director! Get it together and put your big girl panties on.
And so ends another edition of “To Whom It Concerns”.