Revelations I’ve Had This Week

  • Lawyers will NEVER call you.  You always have to call them.
  • Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre are timeless and will never lose their appeal.
  • Chances are, if you drink 48 oz. of water in a 2 hr. period, you will have achieved the “Clear Pee by Three” goal (in regards to not being dehydrated).
  • No matter how long a trip you make is, it will never be long enough to see everyone you want to.
  • Costco will give you a pretty well naked cake if you ask them to.  For those of us who don’t care for a ginormous balloon of frosting that would send even the healthiest of people into diabetic shock.
  • If you are anemic and forget to take your iron supplement for a few days, or week, whatever, you will not be able to wake up in the morning no matter how early you go to bed and/or suck down massive amounts of fully-leaded Coke for breakfast.
  • Insurance adjusters exist solely to irritate me.
  • No matter how flexible you are, you will miss a spot, or two, on your back when putting on sunscreen alone.
  • Ben Stiller is capable of making funny movies that do not involve sex or potty humor.
  • “Crackalackin’ ” is my new favorite word, but will not push “craptacular” out of the top three spots in my vocabulary.
  • “Vaycay” is also a new favorite.  Yes, I am aware of how retarded it sounds.
  • Laser hair removal is a necessary expense.
  • The more weight I lose (which is not much), the smaller my boobies get.
  • Neighbors will be nice, friendly, and bring you stuff even if you aren’t ready to get to know them yet.
  • I am giving up Caffiene-free Diet Pepsi for Lent.  In advance.  I will replace it with fully-leaded Coke, which is much better for helping you snap out of your anemia-induced funk.
  • It is not a good idea to leave a note on the unlocked front door that says to let yourself in because you are already in the pool for your friend that might be coming over, because you will receive an unexpected birthday delivery of flowers, balloons and chocolate.  And the delivery dude will think the note is for him.  He will come to your back door and see you swimming in your tank top and underwear because you can’t find a swimsuit big enough for your whale-sized ass and small enough for your non-existent boobies.
  • You could superglue the back door shut and the kids would still manage to leave it open when the a/c is on.
  • I could make this list go on and on and on, but it’s time for another Coke by IV.  Toodles!

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