Fair warning, this post is long. Exceptionally long. And not at all fun in the beginning. In fact, you may skip right to the good parts and I won’t blame you one bit.
I’ve been meaning to write since the day after Thanksgiving, but my mental illness got the better of me. The thing that’s the hardest about chemical depression is that there’s no rhyme or reason to it. It just is. I could be having the best day ever and then out of nowhere some kind of sensory overload comes and it’s like you killed my dog (and I don’t even have a dog!).
In my head I know I have everything to be grateful for and happy about, but then this switch just flips and suddenly I’m the biggest loser in the universe, and not in the good way. I saw my therapist yesterday and had a great session, and then I saw the Rx Dr. today and it was like I was four completely different people.
Do you know what it feels like to know that there’s nothing you can do about it? Like you have a big, fat, bold “L” stamped on your forehead to warn everyone what a loser you are.
I have a whole toolbag of things I can do (or that some well-meaning but completely insensitive person might tell me to do) and it just doesn’t matter, the feelings will come. I can affirm myself until I turn into Stuart Smalley, I can lose myself in service, I can pray, I can get a blessing, I can “choose” to not feel that way, but the second I stop or get distracted from force-feeding myself good feelings I am flooded with bad ones.
I accept that this is my lot in life and do what I can to take care of myself (medications, therapy, self-care, etc.) but I still have times when the “fun sucker” sneaks in and ruins it for everybody.
Ok, now that I’ve put all that lovliness out there… On with the show!
So, we moved into the house last Tuesday. The one right before Thanksgiving.
Here’s what’s happened since then:
– We had not closed when we painted the house on Monday.
– We had not closed when the fridge was delivered Monday afternoon.
– We still hadn’t closed when the ward moved us out of the apartment and into the house on Tuesday night.
– We were pretty sure we closed on Wednesday night, but not 100%, just 99.997%.
– Our dear friends who had us over for Thanksgiving called that morning to let us know their little one had been dry-heaving all morning. We were still welcome to come but they wanted to warn us.
– We had no heat for a week (or so we thought) so we went anyway. It was freaking fun and little Dude ended up not killing anyone with his cooties.
– As we’re getting ready to leave, Shana the Beautiful calls to see if I want to do Black Friday with her.
At 2:00 a.m.
– Despite being freaking tired and exhausted, like the sucker that I am good friend that I am, I decide to do it. She’ll pick me up at 1:30.
– Met a man who’d been in prison in Arizona for 7 1/2 years and knew a guy named “Peaches”. Told us all about his “store” he ran in prison. Had the best. time. EVER! shopping and laughing about all the funny people we met in line and at the mall. We took pictures, but I’m too lazy to post them.
Maybe if you beg…
– Shopped Toys R’Us like the pros that we are, hit the mall, and ate breakfast at the counter at Denny’s where we ate like lumberjacks from all our hard work shopping with the masses.
– Had two “emergency” paper signings (we were closed, but the title company chick is retarded and yes I know that’s not PC but I don’t much care) at 11:00 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. on Friday.
– Cried myself to sleep from being so cold.
– Cried all during Sacrament meeting at our new ward, and not in the good way, but perked up after the xanax kicked in.
– Was brought housewarming gifts (a new dresser for D and mirrors!) and slave labor from one of my bestest friends, Banana (and Squishy!) on Monday morning.
– Cried for joy when the PG&E man came on Monday morning to turn on the heat and hook up the stove so we could cook real food.
– Cried again when I learned that there wasn’t anything wrong with the heat, we’re just idiots who don’t know how to use an ancient thermostat.
– Gained 500 lbs. eating out because our garbage disposal is busted (yes, I pushed the red button underneath and yes I jammed the blades with a broom handle counter and non-counter clockwise and it still is broken) and the sink doesn’t drain properly so we can’t wash dishes that cooked food would be on.
– Almost, ok not but I felt like it, kissed the cable man because now I can watch House when it’s really on instead of playing catchup on the internet.
– Stayed up wayyyy too late watching “The Real Housewives of Orange County” Tuesday night.
– Stayed up wayyyy too late watching “Top Chef: New York” Wednesday night.
– Had a nervous breakdown about the chaos that is the un-boxed but not un-packed house that I now live in on Wednesday, Thursday.
– Saw my oldest son perform in the school choir at the town tree-lighting ceremony and went to my old ward’s RS Christmas Dinner on Thursday evening.
– Had another cry-fest from being overwhelmed about all this crap that keeps coming up the joys of being a new homeowner today.
– Had another bestest friend, Shana the Beautiful, come over tonight and help me clean up and put away most of my kitchen so I could break down less often.
And now you know what I’ve been up to for the last 13 days!