To Whom It Concerns, II

Dear Truckbed Manufacturer of Ugly White Truckbed Thingys,

I’m sorry I was just trying to be a good citizen by calling your 800 number to let you know your truck’s brake light was out.  I had no way to know you are just the manufacturer of the ugliest truck bed in the universe, not the company driving the ugliest truck in the universe.  Next time, put your damn number somewhere else.


Little Mary Sunshine


Dear Neighborhood Tomato Thief,

You have stolen every single tomato off of my vines this year.  I hope you feel good about that.  Wait, I take it back.  I did get one, lousy tomato – which my kids promptly smushed into my carpet.  I hope you like the next one you steal, as it will be injected through a teeny, tiny hole with either rat poison or urine.  Maybe both.

Bon Appetit!

-Mrs. Green Jeans


Dear Bank That Owns MY HOUSE,

We’ve been screwed out of “missing the right house for us” by 8 houses since February.  Please, have mercy on my soul (and my pharmacist who at this point is probably out of their Valium supply for the decade) and tell the rest of the people trying to by this house to take a hike.

Thanks so much,

The Most Desperate Housewife of All


Dear Mr. A**Hat at the Truckdriver’s Insurance Company,


Your “witness” however, is nowhere to be found.



Still Not Letting You Off The Hook Because You Insure Lying Drivers That Hit Mommies Off The Road and Onto the Sidewalk in Front of the Gym


Dear Wish-Bone E-Mail “Customer DISservice”person,

Thank you for your lack of reply to my email.  I called the 800 number you suggested at 3:07 this afternoon.

They were closed.

I think you forgot you have customers on the West Coast.

Very Sincerely Yours,

A Woman Who Waits for Citrus Splash Vinaigrette With Baited Bated Breath


And so ends another day in the life of the consumer/good samaritan who doesn’t want you to get rear-ended because your break light doesn’t work.


5 thoughts on “To Whom It Concerns, II

  1. Because I love you and don’t want anyone to think your breath smells like fish, or worse, nightcrawlers, I will tell you your breath is bated, as in abated, as in, holding your breath waiting for the best salad dressing in the whole world. Not baited.

    With love
    Your English major nerd friend.

  2. Pingback: Things I Especially Love That Will Be Even More Fun In MY NEW HOUSE!!! « Sally Girl

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