The One In Which I Narrate My Fantastic Morning For You

Today is Tuesday.  I have beginning algebra on Tuesday & Thursday mornings from 8:00-10:00 a.m.  This means I turn into a screaming banshee if we are not out the door by 7:15 because then I will end up not getting my back row seat by the time I skate into class at 7:55.  This particular Tuesday is special.  It is the first quiz for my math class.  It is possibly the only quiz I had a chance at scoring 100% on as it is just a review of arithmetic.

It is 7:19 a.m.  I’m screaming as I yank small children out the door “the bus leaves in 30 seconds!!!”.  I round the corner and scurry between buildings to my carport.  I HAVE A FLAT TIRE.  Not just any flat tire, mind you.  The kind where the hole is just so so that it cannot be repaired.  Now I need new tires.  Which, you know, I knew I was going to need anyway as I have a bad habit of hitting and/or running over curbs which then knocks me out of alignment, blah blah blah, tires wear wrong, blah blah blah, X months later I need new tires and X months was approaching pretty soon.  And the fun has just started…. because we have no tools.  Jack, check!  Cardboard to keep from getting messy, check!  Jack the van up in the proper place so it doesn’t fall down on you and crush you, check!  Socket wrench?  Nope.  Emergency Roadside Assistance it is, then!

35 minutes later…

Ohhh…. you mean I don’t need a socket wrench?  I just have to look under the floor mat, under that square of plastic (which is literally the same color as the carpet and so it looks just like a flattened spot of carpet when you’re in a foul mood) to detatch the spare?  Thanks…. I’ll just add this incident to the collection of proof that is mounting for the case of my complete idiocy.  What’s that, my donut is flat, too?  OH, I see.  That’s not uncommon you and just need to give it some air?  Sweet.

What do you mean there’s a crack in the donut?

AND a bubble??

You mean, I can’t drive myself to the tire store 13 miles away on the freeway?  Ok.  Well, let’s just have you tow me then.  You don’t mind dropping everyone off at school, do you?   Cool, we appreciate it.  I’m just going to run back in to get my stuff while you blab away at the insurance folks.

Ok, ready!  Huh?  My insurance only covers a tow to the closest place and I’ll have to pay the overage?  Well, that’s ok.  I mean, $32 does sound a bit steep for 13 miles, but whatever.  I’ll save more than that by going to this particular tire store.

(Now I’m on the phone to the tire place to make sure they have my tires)  Exsqueeze me?  It’s $185 to special-order a donut tire???  Yeah, that is a total rip-off.  Thanks for checking to see if I have room for a full-size spare.  I do?  Sweet.  Hook me up with a wheel then and pop one of my old tires on it.

(Here we find SallyGirl having just forked over a small fortune for new tires, AND a wheel, AND a certificate of some sort that gets me free replacement tires blah blah blah if I run over anything else and she has just gone over to the tow guy)  Ok, your turn.  What small fortune do I owe you?


Oh, I see… it was 18 miles, not 13.  Well, I’m here now.  You have a good day, too.

(As I get the keys back from the tire guys)  What?!@!  You don’t have the tires you said you did?  Oh, well thanks for the free upgrade.  I was not in the mood to go all crazy white chick on you.  It takes some effort if I already took my medication.

I’m just waiting for the bad news about the house with the pool.  Then my day will be complete.


5 thoughts on “The One In Which I Narrate My Fantastic Morning For You

  1. Sally! It’s me! Geraldo! (Not Geraldo because I have a huge mustache, I wax regularly. You called me Geraldo because I broke my nose in 9th grade) I found your blog through! I would love to hear from you. My blog is private but send me an e-mail and I’ll send you an invite 🙂 Sounds like you had a really great day yesterday!

  2. Holy poop. I’m sorry!

    I really liked the part about having to work extra hard to go crazy white chick when you’re medicated.

    You are freaking brilliant!

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