I had another meltdown this morning. I just could not make myself get ready for church, even though I watched the minutes slip away with my own eyes. I wanted to go to church, I knew I couldn’t go to church un-showered and in PJs, but I couldn’t do it. Which lead to all sorts of dark thinking and uncontrollable crying. Until I remembered I had an appointment with the Bishop after church today, and then the waterworks instantly stopped. But then I got in the shower and started thinking how he’s not a doctor and how could he ever understand what I’m feeling/going through and how I wish these voices in my head would just SHUT THE F*** UP!!! because even though the one sane cell in my brain knows I’m overwhelmed and not crazy, it sure doesn’t feel that way.
We decided I need to see my doctor. Soon.
For a long time I’ve wondered about my salvation. Will I make it? Have I done enough? I know I can always do more, how do I know I did enough ??? My desires are so much greater than my deeds, my knowledge exceeds my actions, I think I’m pretty screwed but for one thing: As crappy as I feel and as far as I think I am from hitting a home run in the game of life, I’m going to choose to believe Christ when he says his grace is enough for me.
It’s scary. REALLY scary. But I have no other choice. If I don’t believe this, then for sure all is lost. But I belive. And so I have hope.
Days like today make me curse whatever luck of the draw gave me mental illness as my trial, but also gratitude for the same sentence. Without this struggle, would I have come to the Lord as I have? Or would He be on the back burner of my life? I’ve always struggled with depression, but as it’s progressed into bigger and worse things for me as I age, it’s put my spiritual growth on fast-forward. And believe it or not, I’m grateful for that.