How’d I Get So Lucky?

I had another meltdown this morning.  I just could not make myself get ready for church, even though I watched the minutes slip away with my own eyes.  I wanted to go to church, I knew I couldn’t go to church un-showered and in PJs, but I couldn’t do it.  Which lead to all sorts of dark thinking and uncontrollable crying.  Until I remembered I had an appointment with the Bishop after church today, and then the waterworks instantly stopped.  But then I got in the shower and started thinking how he’s not a doctor and how could he ever understand what I’m feeling/going through and how I wish these voices in my head would just SHUT THE F*** UP!!! because even though the one sane cell in my brain knows I’m overwhelmed and not crazy, it sure doesn’t feel that way.

We decided I need to see my doctor.  Soon.

For a long time I’ve wondered about my salvation.  Will I make it?  Have I done enough?  I know I can always do more, how do I know I did enough ???  My desires are so much greater than my deeds, my knowledge exceeds my actions, I think I’m pretty screwed but for one thing:  As crappy as I feel and as far as I think I am from hitting a home run in the game of life, I’m going to choose to believe Christ when he says his grace is enough for me.

It’s scary.  REALLY scary.  But I have no other choice.  If I don’t believe this, then for sure all is lost.  But I belive.  And so I have hope.

Days like today make me curse whatever luck of the draw gave me mental illness as my trial, but also gratitude for the same sentence.  Without this struggle, would I have come to the Lord as I have?  Or would He be on the back burner of my life?  I’ve always struggled with depression, but as it’s progressed into bigger and worse things for me as I age, it’s put my spiritual growth on fast-forward.  And believe it or not, I’m grateful for that.


3 thoughts on “How’d I Get So Lucky?

  1. I know my knowledge exceeds my actions. I think many (if not most) of us know we should be doing something but getting ourselves to actually do it is another thing. Elder Maxwell called it “stepping stones.” If you have moved a step further in the right direction than where you were yesterday, that’s progress. None of us move at the same pace or have the exact same path in front of us. But we have a common goal, so we keep trying.
    Your bishop may not be a doctor and may not have experienced what you face but it is hugely comforting for me to realize that however low you may feel, Christ went lower. And He can inspire you and your bishop to know how to get you through it.

  2. I’m up feeding the baby and wanted to comment. I can relate to days like that at the times in my life when the medication wasn’t quite right or I had a major stressor. And no mental illness is not at all fun. You will have a greater understanding of the atonement and a compassion and empathy no one else has. Have you read “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran or “Valley of Sorrow” by Morrison?

    You are on the right path and you gain strength by each fear and trial you face daily. I think of it as the way Joseph Smith felt in the garden as he prayed. ( I love the way the new church film on the restoration depicts it) He was overcome by darkness and a real power right before the most glorious vision. Often times darkness is followed by light and a break in the clouds. Keep plowing!

  3. I was at my Dr. yesterday and tried to talk to her about anxiety and depression. She says I just need to quit doing things for everyone and simplify. I gave up.

    I know I need some type of help from someone, but I don’t know how to get it. I was reading in the dr’s office yesterday about the signs for an anxiety/depression disorder, and I really do have most of them. I am not particularly suicidal, but some days I do feel like it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to just wake up dead, you know? Not that I’d ever do anything about it…who would feed my kids, etc?

    At least you have a bishop you can talk to, that’s good. My bishop pretty much told me several years ago that I’m hard for people to deal with, (him to deal with) and that’s the last time I tried to talk to him about anything. I won’t go back.

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