The time has come for us to part ways. You have way too many get-togethers for me to believe you don’t see each other all that often. This leads me to believe you really don’t want us moving there because you are threatened by my absolute awesomeness and fear that the party would cease to revolve around you and begin to orbit me instead. This is understandable. Many others are intimidated by my megawatt personality, but they have chosen to embrace it and party on rather than spread lies about the frequency of their gatherings.
I understand that this note will probably burst open a dam of relief instead of shame from excluding one of your own, but at least we have an official divorce date now. Included in my rock-star galaxy of talents is the ability to forgive those temporarily blinded by the ray of sunshine that I am, so if you decide to repent and mend your wicked ways, I think we can work something out.
Very truly yours,