Keep The Commandments

I got this from a chocolate that was handed out in Relief Society yesterday.  I’m sure there’s a hidden message in there somewhere…

Don’t Tell The Bishop! (Ten On Tuesday)

You will never guess the conversations we had at Ladies Night Out last Saturday!  And I’m not going to tell you, either, because then you’ll tell the Bishop and he’ll never let us have Ladies Night Out again.

Here are 10 things we may or may not have talked about during our evening together:

1. Flatulence, a.k.a “Barking Spiders”
2. “Nickles” (a.k.a. n*pples) - There’s a funny story in there, don’t worry.  My youngest pointed at my chest one morning and said, “Mom, what are those red things?” to which I nonchalantly replied, “Oh, those are my n*pples.”  “Oh, ok, your nickles!  Look, I have some too!”
3. People from our past who used the word “chicken” whenever the word “ass” was in a reading they were doing from the bible in Sunday School.
4. Sex cures migraines (or causes them, depending on whose doctor you ask).
5. Daddies who say “dammit” in front of the two year-old while playing video games and what could we teach the kid to say instead of that?

Ok, I guess it was more like five instead of ten, but I was laughing so hard all night that some of my memories must’ve fallen out!

I Think I Love You

You know who you are.  Down the street.  Once I make that left turn, it’s all over.  The tractor beam hooks on and you reel me in.  Your siren call is too great for me to overcome, I am blinded by the beautiful song that pushes me through your automatic doors and into retail bliss.

 

Whining Really Does Help!

I’ve noticed that my colds are significantly shorter than other people’s.  I’m convinced it’s because there is no shortage of whining about it on my part and also the fact that I think I’ve digested every cough, cold & allergy medicine known to man within 4 hours of eachother.  That’s a different remedy every 4-6 hours if you’re bad at math like me.  It might also have been helped by the drinking of 3-4 water bottles every 90 minutes of my waking hours.

Look at it and decide for yourself:  It started on Monday in the middle of the day.  It peaked on Wednesday.  It’s Friday morning, and I’m 99% cured.  Just a few coughs & nose-blows here and there.

You’re welcome to follow my path for the cure to your cold, but I don’t think it will work for you.  It’s customized to the specific decible levels and length of my whine, but I’m sure with a little tinkering you’ll be well on your way to a cure of your own!

Timber!

If a tree falls and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Oh, who cares?  The real news here is, I finally shaved my legs.  I’m pretty sure I got close to 13 weeks.  But there’s a wedding tomorrow, and even though I’m probably not going since our sitter got sick, the sun’s been shining the last few days and I can’t put capris on if the forest is up!

Gray’s Anatomy

No, no…. I spelled it right.  It’s not about the show.  It’s about the anatomy lesson my son got yesterday.

So, I don’t remember exactly how this came about, but S said something about, “Mom, when am I going to be a girl?” And I replied, “Oh honey, you’re never gonna be a girl since you were born with that thing between your legs.”  And B says, “What thing between his legs??”  And I reply, “I’m going to let you think about that one, son.  What is between your legs?” 

“A penis?”

“Yep.  Girls don’t have penises, that’s why you can’t be one.”

“WHAT?!?!?!”

“Dude, in all the times you’ve seen me naked getting out of the shower, you’ve never noticed that Mommy doesn’t have a penis?”

I’d go on, but this is a family blog.  BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Secret

Shh… it’s a secret.  I wanted to make sure we get to church on time today SO BAD….

I got up at 5:50 a.m.