Yes Deposit, No Return

In case anybody was wondering, we will in fact NOT be getting our deposit back, if and when we ever move from this rathole.  I called for some long overdue maintenance requests just now, and boy…. this is one office chick I am not a fan of. 

We, apparently, have made the grave mistake of not only having small children, but of letting them live life as children.  So when they busted the screen out of their bedroom window for the Nth time last fall, I said to myself, “Oh don’t worry about that now since it’s going to be winter and they don’t need a screen.  You can just have good ol’ Gg pop in a new one next spring”.  They’ve done it before, it’s never been a problem, and now they want FIFTY SMACKERS to replace it!  For a freaking window screen???

Yeah, I seriously doubt we’ll be getting our deposit back.  And just in case they think they can charge us for having to replace this ratty carpet that should’ve been replaced before we moved in, I’ve got some liar friends (oops, I meant lawyer!) who can tell them otherwise.

Defeated

Today I am angry with myself.  And the world.  I’m angry because I want to clean my home today and I can’t because:

1. We vacuumed up a billion baby spiders from the egg sac that opened up in the house.  I told Honey to throw the contents over the fence, including the filter, and I would just get a new one.  I figure, I’ll just go to the store where I got the vacuum, right?  WRONG.  No filters.  They suggested OSH, since it’s a Kenmore vac and OSH has Sears products.  NOPE.  So I head over to the “appliances only” Sears in town.  They have the vacuum, BUT NO FILTERS.  Great.  I have to drive to Tracy if I freaking want to vacuum.  I knew I should’ve sprung for the Dyson!
2. My friend S, who is my Catholic twin, gave me her floormate because she is as dysfunctional as I am and couldn’t be bothered with it.  I wanted it because I want to contribute to cleaning my kitchen floors and no way Jose am I doing it like Honey does (on hands and knees!).  Hey, guess what?  NOBODY HAS FILTERS FOR THOSE DAMN THINGS EITHER.
3. I have a migrane and a displaced rib.  So every time I take a deep breath, I get stabbed in the back.
4. I can’t do laundry as Honey conveniently took the keys he was supposed to leave with me that open the laundry and mail rooms.  Did I also mention that my netflix arrived and it’s trapped in the mailbox???
5. I got a new liner and rings for the shower curtain, but since the laundry room is locked up…. can’t wash the dang curtain!

The good news is, I have not had a meltdown since Honey left on Saturday.   Just 24 hours to go… 24 hours… 

p.s.  I bought Quicken to help me be more organized with the checkbook.  It doesn’t come with instructions.  Or a crystal ball.  Good thing it’s got a 100% money back guarantee.

Graphic Content (tee-hee!)

Ok, I am really cheesed because I tried to put in a YouTube video here and it’s not working.  SOO….  you must click here first, and then here after. 

Make sure you wear your Depends.

Confessions Of A Second-Grade Drama Queen

You know, I think my boys need to cry more.  At least the oldest one, B, does.  He can’t handle it.  He gags and coughs and chokes like he’s gasping for his very last breath after he’s been wandering the desert for years on end with no water.

I knew bathing was toxic for teenagers, but for 7 year-olds?  He acts like we’re throwing battery acid on him and scrubbing his head with red ants.  We wouldn’t have to scrub him at all if he’d just do it himself, but I think that will happen just moments before the end of the world so it will hardly matter by then.

Number two, S, has also been carrying on like we’ve verbally abused him all his life.  I am honestly wondering where he gets some of what he says.  Is Jerry Springer required veiwing in first grade?  I’ve gotten to the point where all I can do is laugh and make fun of it, but really… this has GOT to stop!  Enough with the “I HATE YOU!!!”s and “You’re just making me hate you more and more because you keep (insert whatever is annoying at the moment)…”  “I don’t have to listen to you or do anything you say!!”  “I am never going to be part of this family again!  I Want a new family!!”  “You just want me to get in trouble!!!”

I hope you’ve all enjoyed this little slice of my life.  I look forward to sharing it with their wives (insert evil grin here).

Suicidal Tendencies

I have a confession to make.  I’ve been smoking crack.  And weed.  And Lysol Disinfecting Wipes.  I’m sure there’s something else too, but I’m so out of it I can’t remember.  I’m sure you’re probably thinking to yourself, “She’s out of her mind, there’s no way she’s doing all that!!”

You might be right, but what else could explain me volunteering to go with the youth from our ward for a snow day at Lake Tahoe?  I mean, seriously??  WHY ELSE would I volunteer to do something like that?!?!?!?!

I DON’T OWN ANY SNOW CLOTHING!  No gloves, no hat, nothing stronger than my Reeboks, nothing warmer than my Old Navy hoodie, what am I going to do?!?!?

I don’t have to play in the snow with them, right?  I can just sit in my car with a blanket or ten and my hot chocolate?

15 Minutes

I had a paper due yesterday.  Want to know when I wrote it?  Fifteen minutes before I had to leave for class.  It’s supposed to be 1-2 pages, I got half of one.  Think I’ll get a good grade?

I had to read 50 pages of a sacred text.  So I read Surahs 9-15 of the Qur’an.  (insert blank stare here)

I didn’t understand one ding-dangledy word of it.  Lots of ways to tick off Allah, some stories I recognized from the Hebrew Bible (a.k.a. the Old Testament), and that was about it.  I was supposed to answer the questions:

1.  What does the sacred text reveal about how people associate with their god or gods?

2.  What does the sacred text say about a spirit world or afterlife?

Umm…. yeah.  Didn’t find any answers to those questions.  So I said that.

Some credit is better than no credit, right?

Secret

Shh… it’s a secret.  I wanted to make sure we get to church on time today SO BAD….

I got up at 5:50 a.m.