Hide the Children!

I said “hell” twice and “torture” once.  Although, saying that just now added to the body count and may up me to PG-13.

Ten On Tuesday - 10 Favorite Movies to Quote

1. Nacho Libre - “Chancho!  I need some sweaaaats…”, “I hate orphans!  I hate all the orphans in the world!”, “I am a-singing at de parteeee…”
2. Napoleon Dynamite - “Can you just bring me my chapstick?  My lips hurt real bad!”,  “Napoleon, don’t be jealous just because I sit here and talk to gorgeous babes all day online.”, “I see you’re drinking 1% milk.  Is that because you think you’re fat?  Because you’re not.  You could be drinking whole if you really wanted to.”
3. Pirates of the Caribbean - Curse of the Black Pearl - “Savvy?”,  “You’ve seen a ship with black sails that’s crewed by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?” “No.” “No.” “But I have seen a ship with black sails.” “Oh, and no ship that’s not crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out could possibly have black sails, therefore couldn’t possibly be any other ship than the Black Pearl. Is that what you’re saying?”
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - “Bring us a shrubbery!”, “I’m not dead yet!”, “Blue.  No, green. AAAH!”
5. Jingle All the Way - “Put dat cookie down, NOW!!”, “Ta-ta, Turboman!”
6. The Italian Job - “I said I had a bad experience!… Man, and they say I’m deaf!”, “You’ll never defeat the real Napster!”
7. Shirley Valentine - “Well tickle my t*ts till Friday!”
8. Independence Day - “Welcome to Earth!”
9. Cast Away - “Wilson!!!”
10. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off - “Beuller?  Beuller?”

Don’t Tell The Bishop! (Ten On Tuesday)

You will never guess the conversations we had at Ladies Night Out last Saturday!  And I’m not going to tell you, either, because then you’ll tell the Bishop and he’ll never let us have Ladies Night Out again.

Here are 10 things we may or may not have talked about during our evening together:

1. Flatulence, a.k.a “Barking Spiders”
2. “Nickles” (a.k.a. n*pples) - There’s a funny story in there, don’t worry.  My youngest pointed at my chest one morning and said, “Mom, what are those red things?” to which I nonchalantly replied, “Oh, those are my n*pples.”  “Oh, ok, your nickles!  Look, I have some too!”
3. People from our past who used the word “chicken” whenever the word “ass” was in a reading they were doing from the bible in Sunday School.
4. Sex cures migraines (or causes them, depending on whose doctor you ask).
5. Daddies who say “dammit” in front of the two year-old while playing video games and what could we teach the kid to say instead of that?

Ok, I guess it was more like five instead of ten, but I was laughing so hard all night that some of my memories must’ve fallen out!

Graphic Content (tee-hee!)

Ok, I am really cheesed because I tried to put in a YouTube video here and it’s not working.  SOO….  you must click here first, and then here after. 

Make sure you wear your Depends.

Confessions Of A Second-Grade Drama Queen

You know, I think my boys need to cry more.  At least the oldest one, B, does.  He can’t handle it.  He gags and coughs and chokes like he’s gasping for his very last breath after he’s been wandering the desert for years on end with no water.

I knew bathing was toxic for teenagers, but for 7 year-olds?  He acts like we’re throwing battery acid on him and scrubbing his head with red ants.  We wouldn’t have to scrub him at all if he’d just do it himself, but I think that will happen just moments before the end of the world so it will hardly matter by then.

Number two, S, has also been carrying on like we’ve verbally abused him all his life.  I am honestly wondering where he gets some of what he says.  Is Jerry Springer required veiwing in first grade?  I’ve gotten to the point where all I can do is laugh and make fun of it, but really… this has GOT to stop!  Enough with the “I HATE YOU!!!”s and “You’re just making me hate you more and more because you keep (insert whatever is annoying at the moment)…”  “I don’t have to listen to you or do anything you say!!”  “I am never going to be part of this family again!  I Want a new family!!”  “You just want me to get in trouble!!!”

I hope you’ve all enjoyed this little slice of my life.  I look forward to sharing it with their wives (insert evil grin here).

Suicidal Tendencies

I have a confession to make.  I’ve been smoking crack.  And weed.  And Lysol Disinfecting Wipes.  I’m sure there’s something else too, but I’m so out of it I can’t remember.  I’m sure you’re probably thinking to yourself, “She’s out of her mind, there’s no way she’s doing all that!!”

You might be right, but what else could explain me volunteering to go with the youth from our ward for a snow day at Lake Tahoe?  I mean, seriously??  WHY ELSE would I volunteer to do something like that?!?!?!?!

I DON’T OWN ANY SNOW CLOTHING!  No gloves, no hat, nothing stronger than my Reeboks, nothing warmer than my Old Navy hoodie, what am I going to do?!?!?

I don’t have to play in the snow with them, right?  I can just sit in my car with a blanket or ten and my hot chocolate?

Gray’s Anatomy

No, no…. I spelled it right.  It’s not about the show.  It’s about the anatomy lesson my son got yesterday.

So, I don’t remember exactly how this came about, but S said something about, “Mom, when am I going to be a girl?” And I replied, “Oh honey, you’re never gonna be a girl since you were born with that thing between your legs.”  And B says, “What thing between his legs??”  And I reply, “I’m going to let you think about that one, son.  What is between your legs?” 

“A penis?”

“Yep.  Girls don’t have penises, that’s why you can’t be one.”

“WHAT?!?!?!”

“Dude, in all the times you’ve seen me naked getting out of the shower, you’ve never noticed that Mommy doesn’t have a penis?”

I’d go on, but this is a family blog.  BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!