Don’t Tell The Bishop! (Ten On Tuesday)

You will never guess the conversations we had at Ladies Night Out last Saturday!  And I’m not going to tell you, either, because then you’ll tell the Bishop and he’ll never let us have Ladies Night Out again.

Here are 10 things we may or may not have talked about during our evening together:

1. Flatulence, a.k.a “Barking Spiders”
2. “Nickles” (a.k.a. n*pples) - There’s a funny story in there, don’t worry.  My youngest pointed at my chest one morning and said, “Mom, what are those red things?” to which I nonchalantly replied, “Oh, those are my n*pples.”  “Oh, ok, your nickles!  Look, I have some too!”
3. People from our past who used the word “chicken” whenever the word “ass” was in a reading they were doing from the bible in Sunday School.
4. Sex cures migraines (or causes them, depending on whose doctor you ask).
5. Daddies who say “dammit” in front of the two year-old while playing video games and what could we teach the kid to say instead of that?

Ok, I guess it was more like five instead of ten, but I was laughing so hard all night that some of my memories must’ve fallen out!

Confessions Of A Second-Grade Drama Queen

You know, I think my boys need to cry more.  At least the oldest one, B, does.  He can’t handle it.  He gags and coughs and chokes like he’s gasping for his very last breath after he’s been wandering the desert for years on end with no water.

I knew bathing was toxic for teenagers, but for 7 year-olds?  He acts like we’re throwing battery acid on him and scrubbing his head with red ants.  We wouldn’t have to scrub him at all if he’d just do it himself, but I think that will happen just moments before the end of the world so it will hardly matter by then.

Number two, S, has also been carrying on like we’ve verbally abused him all his life.  I am honestly wondering where he gets some of what he says.  Is Jerry Springer required veiwing in first grade?  I’ve gotten to the point where all I can do is laugh and make fun of it, but really… this has GOT to stop!  Enough with the “I HATE YOU!!!”s and “You’re just making me hate you more and more because you keep (insert whatever is annoying at the moment)…”  “I don’t have to listen to you or do anything you say!!”  “I am never going to be part of this family again!  I Want a new family!!”  “You just want me to get in trouble!!!”

I hope you’ve all enjoyed this little slice of my life.  I look forward to sharing it with their wives (insert evil grin here).

Gray’s Anatomy

No, no…. I spelled it right.  It’s not about the show.  It’s about the anatomy lesson my son got yesterday.

So, I don’t remember exactly how this came about, but S said something about, “Mom, when am I going to be a girl?” And I replied, “Oh honey, you’re never gonna be a girl since you were born with that thing between your legs.”  And B says, “What thing between his legs??”  And I reply, “I’m going to let you think about that one, son.  What is between your legs?” 

“A penis?”

“Yep.  Girls don’t have penises, that’s why you can’t be one.”

“WHAT?!?!?!”

“Dude, in all the times you’ve seen me naked getting out of the shower, you’ve never noticed that Mommy doesn’t have a penis?”

I’d go on, but this is a family blog.  BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Not Scared

So, Honey’s gone for the weekend.  Grandma died Tuesday morning so he and B went to UT for the funeral.  I’m home with S and little D, and amazingly I’m not completely wigged out by it.  I think I might be allergic to motherhood, though.  My arms are breaking out in a rash!

I’m actually glad he’s gone, because I have a LOT of work to do that I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have done if he were home this weekend.  Those men are such a distraction!

I’ve got a house to clean (I want to surprise him but not give him a heart attack.  Do you know that he actually mentioned during a talk in Sacrament Meeting that I am not the world’s best housekeeper?  You could hear the massive intake of breath all at once.  People came up to me after, even some of the men, and acknowledge how big his faux pas was.  Kinda funny…), a paper to write, LOADS of reading to catch up on for my course I’m taking, and I have to entertain the kidlins and feed them food I normally wouldn’t to get them to comply while Daddy’s gone.

So what am I doing here instead?  Just taking a moment to remember how not scared I am to do it all alone.  I know it’s only for a couple of days, but that’s huge in my playbook.

Toodles!