Note To Self

It’s probably not a good idea to lock your bedroom door from the inside if you’re going to be outside and there’s no key to be found to let you back in.

Defeated

Today I am angry with myself.  And the world.  I’m angry because I want to clean my home today and I can’t because:

1. We vacuumed up a billion baby spiders from the egg sac that opened up in the house.  I told Honey to throw the contents over the fence, including the filter, and I would just get a new one.  I figure, I’ll just go to the store where I got the vacuum, right?  WRONG.  No filters.  They suggested OSH, since it’s a Kenmore vac and OSH has Sears products.  NOPE.  So I head over to the “appliances only” Sears in town.  They have the vacuum, BUT NO FILTERS.  Great.  I have to drive to Tracy if I freaking want to vacuum.  I knew I should’ve sprung for the Dyson!
2. My friend S, who is my Catholic twin, gave me her floormate because she is as dysfunctional as I am and couldn’t be bothered with it.  I wanted it because I want to contribute to cleaning my kitchen floors and no way Jose am I doing it like Honey does (on hands and knees!).  Hey, guess what?  NOBODY HAS FILTERS FOR THOSE DAMN THINGS EITHER.
3. I have a migrane and a displaced rib.  So every time I take a deep breath, I get stabbed in the back.
4. I can’t do laundry as Honey conveniently took the keys he was supposed to leave with me that open the laundry and mail rooms.  Did I also mention that my netflix arrived and it’s trapped in the mailbox???
5. I got a new liner and rings for the shower curtain, but since the laundry room is locked up…. can’t wash the dang curtain!

The good news is, I have not had a meltdown since Honey left on Saturday.   Just 24 hours to go… 24 hours… 

p.s.  I bought Quicken to help me be more organized with the checkbook.  It doesn’t come with instructions.  Or a crystal ball.  Good thing it’s got a 100% money back guarantee.

I Am NOT Going To Get Up Today!

And I didn’t, either!  I don’t know what came over me today, but I’m pretty sure I was asleep for more of it than I should have been.  This better not screw me up tonight….

Suicidal Tendencies

I have a confession to make.  I’ve been smoking crack.  And weed.  And Lysol Disinfecting Wipes.  I’m sure there’s something else too, but I’m so out of it I can’t remember.  I’m sure you’re probably thinking to yourself, “She’s out of her mind, there’s no way she’s doing all that!!”

You might be right, but what else could explain me volunteering to go with the youth from our ward for a snow day at Lake Tahoe?  I mean, seriously??  WHY ELSE would I volunteer to do something like that?!?!?!?!

I DON’T OWN ANY SNOW CLOTHING!  No gloves, no hat, nothing stronger than my Reeboks, nothing warmer than my Old Navy hoodie, what am I going to do?!?!?

I don’t have to play in the snow with them, right?  I can just sit in my car with a blanket or ten and my hot chocolate?

@#%& Bank Math

Who knew it was so hard to keep a checkbook balanced?  You deposit, you spend, you record, done.  Right?

 No.

Through a hideous banking fiasco last September (we was robbed!) the balances started messing up.  We’d be overdrawn by nearly $200 plus overdraft fees every month.  We finally decided to end the misery and close the account.  Start fresh with a new one.  Yay!

Except that sucks, too.  Now I’ve become so hyper-vigilant, I record some transactions twice.  Making me think I have less money than I do.  Which most people would think is great, except the trauma of not matching up is more than I can handle.

Why must I be so good at what I hate so much???

Gray’s Anatomy

No, no…. I spelled it right.  It’s not about the show.  It’s about the anatomy lesson my son got yesterday.

So, I don’t remember exactly how this came about, but S said something about, “Mom, when am I going to be a girl?” And I replied, “Oh honey, you’re never gonna be a girl since you were born with that thing between your legs.”  And B says, “What thing between his legs??”  And I reply, “I’m going to let you think about that one, son.  What is between your legs?” 

“A penis?”

“Yep.  Girls don’t have penises, that’s why you can’t be one.”

“WHAT?!?!?!”

“Dude, in all the times you’ve seen me naked getting out of the shower, you’ve never noticed that Mommy doesn’t have a penis?”

I’d go on, but this is a family blog.  BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Up All Night

I think I’m realizing that staying up just about all night is not a good thing.  I know I could do it 15 years ago, but I keep forgetting I’m not that person any more.

Relax, I wasn’t up all night enjoying myself.  I was up all night on Thursday night and the Friday night previous to that.  I think it finally caught up with me.

Which is bad since I said I’d take the kids to the movies this evening.  Zzzz…