Pinnochio Wasn’t The Only One…

…missing something!

“I got no strings boobs, to hold me down…”

Seriously.  I’ve just tried on my THIRD swimsuit of the season (plus the four I tried to buy last year) and it’s become increasingly obvious that I need a boob job.  It’s no longer about making them stand to attention, it’s about filling the frigging bra cup in the swimsuit up!  And I’ve already gone the smaller suit size route, but I still end up giving the kiddies a poolside peep show.

Do you think they can transfer some of the fat from my ass up to my chest???

I Should’ve Seen the Signs…

Anybody here read Sunset Magazine? Anyone besides me & Ana?

Every year they have something called “Sunset Celebration Weekend” at their headquarters in Menlo Park, CA. It’s fabulous. Free stuff galore and lots of ideas for cooking/gardening/etc.

This year, we FINALLY got to go together! I’ve been trying to drag Ana along for forever, but it really is quite a drive for her so it hasn’t worked out in the past.

Anywho, I gave her directions on where to meet me that were fairly accurate, excepting for the part where I didn’t know that the place we usually park was under construction and unavailable this year. And I had borrowed my husband’s cell phone (because mine was close to dying) which did NOT have any of Ana’s current phone numbers in it. Annnnnd Honey didn’t answer the phone when I called to have him check her number on my phone, because he LEFT. IT. HOME. when he went to the library!!!  Luckily, he finally did get home and I was able to reach her before we got too crazy separated.  From here on out, the day was going to get better, right?  I should’ve known it would only get worse from there…

After we had a great time checking out all the different booths, I had to get going because my legs were killing me and I’m out of pain meds. It really was a bummer because the band that was playing when I left was fantastic! So S (my middle kid) and I boarded the shuttle to go back to our parking lot where we found ourselves with a flat tire. This was bad for the following reasons:

• Although I probably technically could change a tire, I had on white pants.
• I was really tired and in a lot of pain.
• I don’t have the tools in my car for a tire change (although this was later revealed to be false, I have a hidden jack!  But no tire iron, so still…)
• I have Emergency Roadside Service on my car insurance, which isn’t very good when you have no freaking idea where you are!!!
• I am also out of Xanax.

I wish I could say that was the end of my troubles, but no… then Sunday happened.

A few days ago I had a 24-hour flu bug from out of nowhere.  It was at the end of the day, I had a fever and body aches, the works!  Apparently, the 24-hour flu doesn’t mean consecutive hours because really, I was probably only sick for six.  Yesterday, it came back with a vengance!  Fever, aches, bodily fluids, tears, dehydration, stuffy nose, insomnia, it was hellacious!

This morning I’m feeling a bit better, but it could turn on me at any minute.  The oh-s0-sensitive gag reflex is just waiting for me to make one false move, I can feel it!

I’m hoping your weekend went better than mine, I need to go beat up some chilluns’ now for breaking the “Mommy’s sick so you better shut the hell up” rule.

Another One Bites the Dust

My sister called to tell me my mom wanted me to call (my mom doesn’t have long-distance on her phone). Grandma Alice died this morning. They’re not sure exactly when, but that’s ok. Uncle S fell asleep sitting next to her so she wasn’t alone.

And here’s the thing:  I don’t feel bad about it.   I feel a bit empty, like my world is somehow less or smaller without her, but I don’t feel sad or upset or anything.  I’m not looking for hugs or anything else that is done or said when someone dies, but it doesn’t feel right to have her death go unmentioned so there it is.  She’s dead.

Ok, I take it back a little bit.  I guess I was feeling a little down about it, but I didn’t know it until I came up with the title for this post. Then I let out a huge grin, as if the song were planted in my head by her, and then everything lifted.

Did you know that when my great-grandma, Grandma Alice’s mom, died, she requested to be buried face down?  (If you see where this is going RIGHT NOW, you are automatically in the upper eschelon of the Cool Girls’ Club)

When my mom asked her why, she said in her teeny-tiny Scottish brogue “So that when people come to visit me at my grave, they can kiss my ass!”

Ba-dum-dum!  Thankyew!  Generations of Thomson (NO P PEOPLE!!!) women comidiennes ’til the end!