Revelations I’ve Had This Week

• Lawyers will NEVER call you.  You always have to call them.
• Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre are timeless and will never lose their appeal.
• Chances are, if you drink 48 oz. of water in a 2 hr. period, you will have achieved the “Clear Pee by Three” goal (in regards to not being dehydrated).
• No matter how long a trip you make is, it will never be long enough to see everyone you want to.
• Costco will give you a pretty well naked cake if you ask them to.  For those of us who don’t care for a ginormous balloon of frosting that would send even the healthiest of people into diabetic shock.
• If you are anemic and forget to take your iron supplement for a few days, or week, whatever, you will not be able to wake up in the morning no matter how early you go to bed and/or suck down massive amounts of fully-leaded Coke for breakfast.
• Insurance adjusters exist solely to irritate me.
• No matter how flexible you are, you will miss a spot, or two, on your back when putting on sunscreen alone.
• Ben Stiller is capable of making funny movies that do not involve sex or potty humor.
• “Crackalackin’ ” is my new favorite word, but will not push “craptacular” out of the top three spots in my vocabulary.
• “Vaycay” is also a new favorite.  Yes, I am aware of how retarded it sounds.
• Laser hair removal is a necessary expense.
• The more weight I lose (which is not much), the smaller my boobies get.
• Neighbors will be nice, friendly, and bring you stuff even if you aren’t ready to get to know them yet.
• I am giving up Caffiene-free Diet Pepsi for Lent.  In advance.  I will replace it with fully-leaded Coke, which is much better for helping you snap out of your anemia-induced funk.
• It is not a good idea to leave a note on the unlocked front door that says to let yourself in because you are already in the pool for your friend that might be coming over, because you will receive an unexpected birthday delivery of flowers, balloons and chocolate.  And the delivery dude will think the note is for him.  He will come to your back door and see you swimming in your tank top and underwear because you can’t find a swimsuit big enough for your whale-sized ass and small enough for your non-existent boobies.
• You could superglue the back door shut and the kids would still manage to leave it open when the a/c is on.
• I could make this list go on and on and on, but it’s time for another Coke by IV.  Toodles!

Best Vaycay I’ve Ever Had

At the very last minute, we decided to go to Salt Lake this weekend.  Honey and D were already flying out because he decided for his birthday he wanted to hike Mt. Olympus with his childhood bff (his family does it every Memorial Day weekend).  My mom called Thursday morning wondering if I could fly out too to help her with my grandma, who is on her way to greener pastures.  So Thursday afternoon we decided to all pile in the car the next morning and head on out!

I’ve been staying at my mom’s with our dog, and Honey and the kids have been staying at his parents.  I miss them a lot, but it’s been so nice to be here for my mom, and to just relax after that tough semester in math.  I went to what used to be my childhood ward to see some old friends and neighbors.  Of course, it’s impossible to see everyone, but I’m glad I got to see those I did and catch up a bit with them.

The only thing I’m disappointed in, is it’s been hard to find time to visit some of my girlfriends, and we won’t be able to come back this summer like we’d planned.

I’ll close this post on a happy note, my mom has the best.  shower.  EVER!!!  It must have something to do with being in the basement, because Honey’s parents basement shower is pretty good, too.  The water pressure is just amazing, it can blast your skin right off!  And the best part is that the shower head is like, a foot above me so I don’t have to duck and bend.

I hope you all are having an enjoyable weekend, and take a moment to remember those who have given their lives that we might continue to enjoy the freedoms we are granted by living here.  Our government is not perfect, a lot of our politicians stink, but we have it better than any other country and we owe a large debt of gratitude to those men and women who fought and died protecting it.

Don’t Think I Haven’t Noticed, II

It’s been a long, long time since I wrote last!  I guess I just feel so uninspired lately…  That really bums me out, too, because I really want to be a columnist.  You know, like Erma Bombeck except cool?

I had this whole new list of things, OH YEAH!  I was going to say I couldn’t remember what they were, but I just did, so here ya go:

- Costco TP.  It’s costing more and looking like what you find in a gas station bathroom.  WTH??

- Bounty paper towels (which I bought b/c Costco was too expensive again!).  They are like, 2/3 the size of a Costco paper towel!  What’s up with that??

- Drive-thrus everywhere.  I see the cup sizes are getting smaller.  On the one hand, that’s great for the people who order the bucket o’ soda.  Nobody should drink that much!  That’s what I consume in like, a soda-heavy week!  On the other hand, for people like me who are cheap and not willing to give up soda altogether but like a little somethin’ to go with their fries, we’re gettin’ screwed!

- Pool guy and his “Chemicals only” service.  I’d love to pay you the extra $$ for the full service where you empty my baskets and brush down the pool, but I can’t.  And you know what else?  Technically you have to empty the skimmer basket to put the chlorine tabs in.  I’d like to say I feel dishonest, but I don’t.  No worries, there is a special place in heaven for guys like you who do all that extra stuff without charging me because I’m a dumb blonde, and I’ll make sure you get extra gold stars too!

- City Planner Guy.  You were really helpful to me today when I came in and basically said I wanted to turn my front yard into a mini-farm.  You didn’t flinch and give me the “Oh man, there goes the neighborhood” look, and were actually very enthusiastic about us wanting to put in native grasses and drought-tolerant other stuff (that has fancy pants names I can’t think of right now).

- Math 82 Instructor.  You are my age.  This upsets me greatly.  Will I ever catch up to you?

- Lathrop Parks & Rec Scholarship Dept.  I know you are trying to protect the funds from people who have a small net income not because they can’t do better but because they are doing better (by socking away a lot of their income in investments and other financial crap I know nothing about), but I hardly think it’s fair that my family is juuuuuust over the “low income” gross income amount and doesn’t qualify for a scholarship to the Parks & Rec programs when A) My husband teaches at the school that backs up to the park which is on the same plot of land that your offices are and 2)  I’m fairly certain that there is a high percentage of illegal residents (given the socio-economic makeup of this city) that are benefitting, yet again, from my tax dollars.  I know they might be paying taxes too (UNLIKELY), but there’s that whole IT’S AGAINST THE FRIGGIN’ LAW FOR YOU TO BE HERE, WHY ARE WE REWARDING THAT??? thing that I’m having a problem with.

- Benadryl.  You do nothing for me.  My allergies, ok, you help me dry up sometimes, but mostly you just make me obnoxiously tired and you do not relieve any other kinds of allergic reactions such as itchy arms from being out in the pollen or whatever.

Holy cow, I am falling off my seat tired, and making all kinds of spelling mistakes.  You know when the spelling nazi is slipping up, it’s time to go.

I Wrote A Little Song This Morning

and it goes something like this:

“B*@tch ate my shoe… b*@tch ate my shoe… then she ate all my B vitamins, too…

I swear she gets fed – lots of love in there, too… but I’m cuttin’ her loose if she eat another’n of my shoes.”

The end.

It’s a short song, a ditty really.  I think it’ll catch on, don’t you?

Crazy Fo’ Sho’

So remember all that freaking out and complaining I did about my math class?

I’m going to take another one.

TWO, even.  Statistics and some kind of liberal arts math?  Does that make sense?  But not at the same time, don’t worry.

I think I’m addicted.

Ready

It’s not just the title of a Kelly Clarkson song!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are SO many things I am ready for, it’s not even funny.  So why is it that only the things that I am completely unprepared for are what pop up most in my day???  I mean, seriously… what is with this schedule?  Homework is just for those that are intellectually inferior and should be wiped off the planet to build up the master race of super-geeks.  And why do we have to eat dinner just because it’s 5:30 p.m.?  Can’t we have dinner at 9:00?  That pesky school those kids of mine go to is really putting a cramp in my agenda!

I have camping, swimming, and shopping I need to do.  I have about 12 magazines in my bag, BEGGING to be read while I bask on my pink floatie mattress before the June issues arrive!  Our families would like to see us (I would like an Airstream trailer), and the yard needs working on, and yet… SCHOOL.  There it is again!

Don’t worry.  I haven’t lost my mind.  Yes, I remember that one year that I changed my kids’ school just so they would only have five weeks of summer vaycay before they started up again in order to prevent me from killing us all.  This time is different.  This time we have…. THE POOL.

Seriously, I think Heavenly Father knew we needed the pool and that’s why all the other (12) houses didn’t work out for us.

Toodles!

I Wonder As I Wander

So here’s some stuff I’m wondering about lately:

- You know how asparagus makes your pee stink?  I wonder if eating it raw makes any difference.

- If my kid has the flu, do I just ride it out like usual or do I need to get him tested for Swine Flu, even though I’m 99.9% sure he hasn’t been exposed?  A lot of the kids at his school are Hispanic (mostly Mexican) and I know that the families go back and forth and not necessarily on a school break, they just go whenever they feel like it and for all I know someone could have recently come back.  I don’t think he has it, but am I somehow obligated to the general public to find out?

- Why it is still in the 60’s in May.  I’m really not complaining or trying to “ha, ha” to you people who live where it’s still snowing, but this really is unusual for this time of year… it makes me nervous.  It makes me think that summer will be hotter than that one summer that it was 109′-117′ for 3 weeks straight.

- How come what’s best for me is not necessarily best for one of my friends and her family?  Why can’t they be the same thing?

- How long do I have to go to therapy before what I learn there stays in my head permanently?

- What will happen to S after his ADD evaluation.  I read the teacher’s version of the intake that I filled out and some of the things he has trouble with at home are also problems at school, but it seems that some other behaviors miraculously don’t occur at school.  Do they let close family friends fill these forms out?  Because I know I am not the only one who sees that this kid needs help and I think this person’s input could be valuable in getting him the help he needs.

- Why are the mosquitos back after I sprayed them and it says it’s good for up to 40 days and it’s been less than 14??

- Why am I still tired after what should be a good night’s sleep, and no I don’t have sleep apnea?

- When will the house start cleaning itself?  And cooking our dinners?

- Why can’t I come up with a good way to end this post?