Now That’s What I Call Spring!

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful…

…hate me because last week I was complaining that my fingernails were blue I was so cold and today I’m complaining that it’s so hot I could die.

How hot is that?  91 DEGREES, BABY!!!

Don’t Think I Haven’t Noticed

For all of you who have a special affinity for the golden arches with the best fries in the known universe, you may simply nod your heads in an “I KNOW!!” sort of fashion while I relay this information to others who actually care about their health and may not visit Mc D’s on a we’re-not-going-to-talk-about-how-often basis.

Re:  French fries and drinks

Don’t think that you will get away with what you are doing.  I have been to different locations in different cities and the theft of fries and beverages is widespread.  Fry containers are coming half-filled, and not because the other half fell out of the bag.  Drinks are not coming full to the top-ish.  In fact, they are a full adult male thumb-knuckle away from the top (which, when you see that your “small” (which is a CHILD at everywhere else!) Coke is no longer on the dollar menu, you get a little pissed!).

Speaking of the dollar menu…  why is it that all the other kids are increasing the items available on this list while you slip items off of yours like a thief in broad daylight???  Let’s see… we have the (NASTY!) apple pies (BRING BACK CHERRY & STRAWBERRY!!!), the fruit & yogurt parfait, the soft-serve cone and the sundae.

I’m not happy.  America is not happy.  If you’re going to rid us of our late-night fry fix because we can’t scrounge up enough change for something that is no longer on the dollar menu and deliver it half-empty, we’re going to have to start losing weight!

If This Is Aging, I’m Screwed!!!

I have class this morning.  Damn, I knew the Piper would have to be paid eventually!  So much for waking up at 8:30 every day…  I knew there were drawbacks to Spring Break!

While I have fully recovered from the pre-break meltdown, I am now reaping the benefits of being genetically related to my family.  And by benefits, I mean holy frick, when will this genetic lottery end?!?!?! It’s one thing to pass along depression and anxiety to your progeny – but insomnia, too???

That’s just not right.

I count myself blessed that I have relatively good physical health.  Low blood pressure, low cholesterol, normal blood sugar, the works!  But when I can’t go to sleep even if I really, really want to and not just because I’m avoiding the next day (because did you know that if you don’t go to bed, tomorrow never comes???) and then when sleep finally comes after I’ve tortured Honey to death by flailing around trying to get comfortable… I wake up 45 minutes later at 2:46 a.m. for the rest of the day and it has me seriously re-thinking that whole “no coffee” thing!

In other news, the “baby” has lost his first tooth.

HO.  LEE.  SCHNIKEYS!!!!!

Will the aging never end????

To Whom It Concerns III:

Dear Garth Brooks and What’s Left of the Beatles,

I guess you are so rich you don’t need to sell your music on iTunes.  Or anywhere else.  No matter, there are plenty of cover bands out there that sound nothing like you which just further irritates the crap out of me but not enough to go and buy your CDs because I am more stubborn than you and would rather go without my four measly songs so HA!  I WIN!!!

Sincerely,

Someone Who Will Just Get A Free Copy Off Of Mommy’s CD Library

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Dear Mr. Asshat Truckdriver,

YOU’RE BUSTED!!! That’s right, BUSTED!!!  My worthless attorney’s law firm hired on some more help and stuck me with the New Guy, which most people would be pissed about except New Guy’s head isn’t up his rear like the other attorney that was handling my case and now that someone has finally seen what I’ve been saying these last 16 months you’re getting what’s coming!

Kiss Kiss,

The Non-Lying Mom of Three Who You Hit and Caused EXTREME Mental Duress Because You Lied

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Dear Plain White T’s,

I like your music.  I haven’t ever seen a photo of you, but I picture you looking like the one guy from Million Dollar Listing on Bravo! who really needs a hair cut.

Toodles!

- Someone Who Is Entirely Too Old To See You In Concert at Fat Cats in Modesto

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Dear Randy, Kara, Paula & Simon,

Why do you continue to let FOX torture you week after week when we all know that Adam Lambert is going to win?  Sure, I don’t always like his style, but the guy freaking ROCKS and blows those other pansies out of the water!

Later Dawgs,

Simon’s Other Wife

p.s. RE: Anoop.  WHY?????

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Dear Mail Delivery Person,

It is NOT acceptable to skip a day of delivering the mail just because you don’t feel like it, or there isn’t that much to bring.
I have a note from my therapist that verifies this little factoid for you in case you have any questions.

TTFN,

Mailbox Stalkers (Not-So) Anonymous

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Little People Who Continue to Wake Me Up Even After Death Threats,

One day this threat will not be empty.

Love, Mommy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Honey,

I will get in there for Family Prayer much faster if you just shut up and quit interrupting the thought process when I am writing one of my more brilliant blog posts!

TLA, Your Wife

The One Where I Didn’t Wait Too Long

…to ask for a refill of happy pills (thus, hopefully averting another ginormous non-human emotional disaster of the major-motion meltdown variety) and STILL ended up missing a few doses.

On test day.

Where I completed maybe 5 of 30 questions.

So hyperventilated in the brain that I couldn’t even b.s. thru the multiple choice section.

And then forgot to have breakfast.

You know that saying “don’t go to the store hungry”?  There’s truth in that.  Because even though you just went in for tortillas and lettuce for tonight’s dinner, you will come out with six boxes of cereal (two of which are Cocoa Krispies), four 10-oz. bags of mini marshmallows (to make treats with), four cans of frosting (they were on sale), three boxes of frozen ciabatta garlic rolls (for when you make poor man’s pizza sometime in the next three months), three packages of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches (one mint, two cookies n’ cream) (because you are f*ing hungry and want to eat RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW and omg they’re on sale for $3.99/box and normally a lot more than that!!!), two jars of salsa (because you’re pretty sure you have some at home, but what if???), six containers of Greek Gods yogurt (because it is sinfully yummy), and two individual servings of gelato (chocolate and vanilla).

Damn, I forgot the margarine.  There will be no Cocoa Krispie treats today.

Yes, I know you can use butter but this is one occasion where I don’t want to!

Oh yeah, and some store-brand Lactaid milk for S, who is apparently lactose intolerant.

And the grocery store’s fun magazine they give you for free every other month.

I swear that’s it!  Except for the tortillas and lettuce.  I got those, too.

I’m thirsty but if I drink anything I will puke it right back up because I am still full from all the other water I drank today.  Anybody got any home health connections that can come and give me an IV or something???

Did you know if you take a B-Complex vitamin that the excess will pee out in the most unflattering color of yellow no matter how many gallons of water you drink?

Sometimes I wish we had an amnesty day with the whole commandments thing.  My day sucked so bad today I just wanted to hurt myself as much as possible and go get skunk drunk.  Or “naked wasted” as they say in the OC.

Honey has restless legs syndrome.  I have restless arms.  Feels like ants are burrowing down in for the winter.  Not even a generous dose of nyquil with a benadryl chaser and a melatonin minty on my pillow can knock me out fast enough to make me unconscious of the burrowing!

Totally unhappy that Megan Joy was sent packing.  Anoop just does NOT do it for me, neither does Scott (who REALLY should have been in the bottom three because frankly, molesting people’s ears with that crap should be illegal.  I think it is illegal.  In some countries.  And states.).

12:28 a.m.

Better run before the diarrhea of the typing comes back.  They don’t make Immodium AT for that so you have to run when you can.

Bye now.

Buh-bye.

Bye.

Goodnight, then.

12:29 a.m.

I’m holding out….

Ok, 12:30.

Good night.