Yeah, I Know Your Kind

Hey you, the one with the “need money for food” sign at the end of the grocery store parking lot.  Yeah, you know the one I mean… the guy bundled up in 14 parkas no matter how hot it is, scruffy-faced with a cardboard sign begging for even just $1.00 for you and your dog…

I didn’t want to give you cash because I need my cash, and also I know about people that do this as their “job” and make more money than you’d think in one day.

You, sir, are one of them.  I offered you a box of my beautiful, lucious-red strawberries and you declined.  “Maybe just 2 or 3, I don’t think we’d finish it before it goes bad.”

Really?  You and your dog are starving and you don’t think you can down a box of strawberries in two days?  Because I’m pretty well ready for lunch and I just ate 2/3 of a 1 lb. box myself….

Guess you’ll just have to score your booze/meth from some other sucker then.  Toodles!

Say What?

I want to take more English classes at school.  More specifically, writing courses.  Since we all know I have the patience of a flea, ok a gnat, I’ve decided to take a class on freelance writing.

I suppose I would be interested in writing a column, or just submitting articles to a paper or magazine, but what?  Am I like Erma Bombeck on crack?  What kind of writing do you see coming from me?  I just don’t know what direction to go and I’m asking you, my faithful 2.76 readers, to give me advice.

I don’t have dreams of grandeur.  I don’t picture myself becoming some great author that’s on Oprah’s Book Club.  Mostly because I don’t like Oprah, but also because if I were on her show it would mean something I’m not sure how to put into words but it’s something I wouldn’t like.  Sellout?  I don’t know, but for those of you who also don’t like her I think you know what I’m talking about.

Also, I don’t really want to write stories.  Anything more than 3-4 pages double-spaced is just too much work!

Ok.  Feel free to comment about how fabulous I am now.

The Phantom Tollbooth Disease (or All Kinds of Cranky Today)

(If you haven’t read that book then maybe you need to go back to 4th grade.)

I think I may have Spring Fever.  Or Senioritis.  Except I’m still a freshman.  I want food to magically appear in my pantry so I can spend all our paycheck on prettying up my house and yard.  I do NOT want to go to class anymore!  There is too much to do!  Not enough time!!  The weather is changing and I’m moving from indoors to outdoors and I need stuff for my outdoors to make it comfy!  You know, like a hammock?  And a stand?  Because there are no more trees in my backyard.

The neighborhood cats have turned my backyard into a litter box and now none of my seeds have sprouted.  Therefore, I need seedlings from “Lowe’s Depot” to move things along.  Bitch is the wrong name for female dog, it should be what we call cats.  Bitches.  Because that’s what they are, peeing all over my stuff!!

I feel like it takes me three hours to get going in the morning, and by the time I get going it’s time to pick up the kindergartener which really puts a screeching halt to the momentum I spent all morning building up.  Are you sure it’s against the WoW to drink coffee?  Isn’t “waking up” a medicinal purpose?

And speaking of purpose… my genius 3rd &4th grader can’t stop pronouncing it “on purpoze” (with the emphasis on “ose” instead of “pur”).  WTH???  Where do they pick up this junk?

Every week there’s something new wrong with my pool sweep.  Poor Pool Dave… I bet he wishes I’d never seen his truck and called the number on the side!  Who else am I supposed to pester when (the pool guy purchases what he thinks to be a good pool sweep and installs it) things go wrong?

Have you ever seen the movie “Click”?  Me neither, but I sure could use one of those remotes right now.  Time to do what I have to do AND what I want to do!

Ok.  Pool Dave is done.  Gotta run.  We’re having Grocery Day late this week, and that kid doesn’t pick himself up from school!

The Bestest Bestie

Shana the Beautiful and I have a lot in common.  Neither one of us can wait to give presents when it’s somebody’s birthday, or even for just whatever.  In the course of our “what do you want???” conversation last week, I let her know that I would pitch in for her somethingsomething tape gun (???) that she wants to order to add to her supplies for her newfound passion of scrapbooking.  I’d said that I just wanted gift cards to either the movies (because that was the best gift I got last year!), or JoAnn’s (because I AM going to learn how to sew.  As soon as I get a sewing machine), or Target (because if you can’t find something at Target then there is all kinds of wrong about you).  Then later I changed my mind and said I wanted money towards a sewing machine because I used to scrapbook once upon a time, but then my mother-in-law got a job at a scrapbooking store and has pretty much taken over ever since!  And I really want to make something with my hands, and I love fabrics, and nobody else I know is sewing right now so that would make me feel extra special.

While I was doing laundry the other day, Shana called to see if I wanted to know what she got me (which by now, unless you’re as big of a moron as I am you should have figured it out).  I said no, or something, I don’t really remember.  What I do remember is that the other day when she was over here I heard her and Honey mubling in the other room so I jokingly called out “quit talking about me, I can totally hear you!”.  This memory comes to me while I am dusting my fabulous new bookshelf so I immediately start to harass Honey for a clue.  Which he will not give because he has some sort of “ethics code”.  BAH!  So then I start to bug Shana about it, but she decides that if she gives me a clue I will know what it is immediately.  Then some of Honey’s ethics must have rubbed off on me because I’m all, “Ok, don’t tell me… and don’t give it to me early because I am always ruining things for Honey that way and I am trying to be good.”

Good thing Shana’s just as bad as me because it’s two days later and she brought me over a printout of my gift:

Am I lucky, or what???  Now I just have to find a class to learn how to use it!

My Life Would Suck Without You!

What a song title, right?  It’s become one of my current faves.

Things I have been up to lately:

- D & I went on a trip to Disneyland for his 6th birthday with our BFFs, Shana the Beautiful and Jacob.

- Totally missing the smell of salty air and eucalyptus trees, enough to make me teary just thinking about it!

- Read “Such A Pretty Fat:  One Narcissist’s Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie Is Not the Answer” by Jen Lancaster.  Freaking hysterical and I swear we could be twins!

- Cussing out the feral cats of the neighborhood as they have peed all over my sunflower forest causing it not to germinate.  Also my carrots and beans and squash and tomatoes.  Damn cats.

- Getting ready for my next trip to Disneyland with B for his 10th birthday.  Sweeeet!  More Space Mountain!  Tower of Terror to try out!  Another trip to Compass Books (which is my most favorite book store in the universe)!

Things I am wondering about:

- When will it get warmer so I can swim?

- When will my kids stop throwing crap in the pool that doesn’t belong there?

- How much can I cram into the summer before I have to get back to business?  I’m seriously wondering about school.  I like school.  I love school.  I like the people I’ve met and I like feeling smart again.  It’s kind of getting in the way of other stuff I want to do though, and thus the dilemma… If I take a semester off I worry I will lack the momentum to go back.  If I stay in school should I take more classes because D will be in school all day now and I can, or should I only take one class so I have room for other stuff in my life?  What if I just take one class and it turns out I need more for my brain to do?  AAAH!!  My head is going to explode!!!

- I want a new kitchen faucet.  Mine is ugly and I would not have picked it.  If I get a new kitchen faucet now, will I have to replace it when I get a new kitchen sink later?

- If I love eggs so much, how come the smell of them cooking makes me want to spew?

- Am I ever going to find a babysitter I like before the boys are too old to have a babysitter?  What happens when the oldest does not need a babysitter but the other two do?  When will I not worry that I will come home to one or more dead children because I left them alone even though they are all old enough to take care of themselves but not old enough to leave each other alone???

- Who is going to win Idol this year???  I love Megan Joy, and I love Adam Lambert, but he is starting to creep me out.  But he is also a frickin’ awesome rocker.  A. MAZE. ING!  Decisions, decisions….

Ok, I gotta run.  I really should be doing homework and getting ready for our company tonight.  Ugh… where’s the maid when I need her???

Hi Strangers

Wow, I think this is the longest I’ve gone, EVER, between blog posts!

Life has been more than kind of crazy and surreal lately.  I should not be up just now, I have class in the early a.m. which means I need to be up earlier to shower & pretend like I’m helping everyone get ready for school/work.  But you know, crazy, so here I am.

When I first started writing my blog it was a vehicle I needed for a certain purpose.  As time went on, that purpose changed and recently it has changed again.  I used to be online a lot.  And by a lot I mean almost every waking moment that I wasn’t on the phone or stuffing my face or watching t.v. at my house or someone else’s.  And then one day a couple of weeks ago the little hamster in my head decided to take a break.  And I didn’t blog and the facebook activity has pretty well come to a screeching halt.  No more dot games, I don’t care if my farm rots in the ground, and I am no longer the Queen of Word Twist amongst a certain group of players (which gave me the hugest. ego. boost. EVER! because they are the smart and cool kids from high school that are still smart and cool).

The remote control is no longer fused to my hand, and now that we’re on the 700 minute plan the cell phone has fallen away from my ear and into the bottom of my purse where I probably won’t hear it ring.

I very much miss supporting and being supported by old friends and acquaintances, but I hope to find new and other ways of doing that that don’t depend so much on me missing what’s going on outside this little space where my “office” is.  And by office I mean craft room.  And by craft room I mean where I keep my crap for the business that I am going to start, I just haven’t let go of that last rung of  the “this is how my day goes” ladder.  You know, the one where you climb and climb and climb and never seem to get anywhere?  Yeah, that’s the one.

So although I know I tend to unclutter my favorites folder and delete blogs that I used to love but the writer never ever posts anymore, I hope you won’t do the same to me.  Because I’ll still be here, just not the same way.  And you know, just because I like to switch things up and make life difficult I might have a new web address – because that’s how I roll.