What Happens At Girl’s Night…

…isn’t all that shocking.

Unless it’s an Enrichment activity.

And the Bishop’s wife is in attendance.

At your table (which is hereafter referred to as “The Heathen’s Table”).

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Topics of discussion at The Heathen’s Table (a.k.a. The Cool Girl’s Club)::

• Medicinal coffee.
• Medicinal marijuana.
• Chemical and physical castration (since the death penalty “isn’t commensurate with the crime of the rape and murder of a child”).
• Decaf isn’t really decaf, but Delicato has a great wine that isn’t alcoholic (but is also not called non-alcoholic wine).
• Cases of valium needed for attendance at family activities.
• Homosexuality and related political issues.
• You know the economy is bad if even SallyGirl (a.k.a. in American Indian circles as Drives With A Lead Foot) starts driving 57 mph on the freeway (’cos she can’t drive 55) to save gas.
• How having children caused most ladies to start obeying the speed limit, except for me.  The driving didn’t change, but now I’m afraid to go on rollercoasters because what if I die?
• Vivid recollections of “Alien Encounter” at Disneyworld, and how it was so intense and scary they discontinued the ride (at the bereavement of SallyGirl who after hearing such details would give anything for an opportunity to be scared like that!).
• Juicy tales of life before membership in the Church (and some after!).

I’m sure it all sounds so… in appropriate for an RS activity, but really, we learned a lot from each other.  I’d go so far as to say some testimonies may have been strengthened.  I know mine was!

Ding! Ding! Ding! Thank You For Playing!

Well, the person I most wanted to hear from commented on my last post so I guess I can check “successful” off of my list…  Thanks, M!

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Now, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

• I registered for school yesterday.  Elementary Algebra on TTh from 8:00-10:00 a.m. and History of the United States Thur 6:30-9:30 p.m.  I have a BOG fee waiver for my tuition, now I just need something for my books and I’m good to go!
• I burned my hand tonight.  I forgot that one of my potholders has a hole where the thumb connects to the hand.  I pulled out enchiladas from the oven.  I screamed every cussword I know (and perhaps invented a few) in front of small children and company.  Good thing she’s Catholic!  ;-)   Honey fetched me some b*tchin’ stuff called “Burn Gel” from Long’s.  I kid you not, the second I put it on my burn the pain instantly disappeared.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the second best drug invented ever: LIDOCAINE!!!
• Veet is NOT as good as shaving.
• My cousin from IA has flown in for Pride in SF this weekend.  We’re going to go visit her & the Aunties on Monday or Tuesday in Auburn, but we may have to sell one of the children to afford the gas to get there & back!  I told Honey I got some rebate checks in the mail today from some books I had ordered at B’s school that were out of stock.  It comes to $12 and change.  He said, “But that will only get us to Lodi!”.  Lodi is 15 miles from here.  He’s right.
• Kip will never be a cagefighter.
• I have worn the same “sample” contact lens on my right eye for a WHOLE YEAR that my Dr. gave me at my exam last June.  I was too cheap/poor to buy two boxes of lenses so I only bought lenses for the left eye.  TWICE, because I lost the first box.  No, I’m not blind or diseased in the right eye, but my Dr. might want to donate it to science when I die when he finds out and marvels at my lack of regard for occular health.
• I recently read a book called “STIFF: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers” by Mary Roach.  It was not a good read, but it certainly was interesting!  Does that then qualify as a good read?  I don’t know.  It was pretty disgusting.  It certainly makes you think about stuff.  I learned a lot, too.
• The Fratellis really have a great new CD.  I’m particularly fond of tracks 4 and 6.  Go.  Take a listen.  You’ll be glad you did.
• Barenaked Ladies (dude, you have to listen to that clip… it plays my favorite part!) has a new CD called “Snacktime!“.  I LOVE IT!  Especially tracks 2 and 15.  And no, it’s not really $35.99 (unless you actually buy it from Amazon, then it is.  But then you’d also be dumb because you can get it on iTunes for $9.99).
• I still have never broken a bone.

Ok.  No more stalling.  I have to go read my new library book bed now.

How To Annoy Yourself In 30 Seconds Or Less

All you have to do is think about who you want to be, who you think you are, and who you actually are.  I’d venture to say that may have actually taken less than 5 seconds instead of 30!

I want to be:

• SUPERWOMAN! No need for specifics there, right?  I want to be the woman who gets up at o’dark-thirty every day and reads her scriptures and makes everyone a nutritious breakfast and lunch before they depart for school/work.  I want a college degree in Universe (i.e. EVERYTHING).  I want to bake fabulous homemade bread instead of buying it at the store for an arm and a half.  I want to have a kitchen farm so I know my produce is safe and available.  I want two chickens that produce the exact amount of eggs I need and live forever so I never have to euthanize them or find them sick, nigh unto death one morning.  I want to be healthy and fit, do all my visiting teaching and loads of service for others.  Take marvelous vacations that aren’t expensive but make good memories.  I want to never have a bad thought about anybody and a kind word for everyone.  The perfect housekeeper.  Tan.  Involved in the community.  Attend the temple weekly.  Have perfectly manicured nails that don’t peel or warp.    Etc, etc, etc.!!!

I think I am:

• Smart.  Not that I’m dumb, but I want to be smarter.
• Witty.  I’ve been known to cause a few chuckles.
• Honest.  I’ve taken things back to stores I didn’t realize I had taken without pay (like an extra package of poster board that was static-clung to the one I actually bought).

I actually am:

• A freaking genius!  For about 30 seconds on most any topic.  However, if you’ll just scratch the surface over there, you’ll find out I really know just enough to bs my way through it.
• Unmotivated, a.k.a. Lazy.  I’d have to say my motivation is a two, on a scale of one to ten.  It’s not because I’m depressed, it’s not a symptom or side-effect of my mental issues, it’s a result of the way of life I’ve lived from birth until now.  If I can get someone to do it for me, heck yeah I’ll take advantage of that!  I’m completely lacking in work ethic.  If anything, I’d say I’m motivated by fear.
• A coward.  I have so much to say but am afraid to say it.  Time is so short, we can’t waste a minute of it hiding behind pleasant smiles and head nods.  It’s like I can see the big picture of how things are supposed to be, how they could be, but I lack a governor of some kind to tell me when I’ve said just enough, too much or too little.  Or if it’s even my place to say anything at all.
• Arrogant.  Because the next sentence of my last bullet was going to be: “I find that most people, myself included, have a hard time separating fact from fiction.

Is this sounding like a mid-life crisis?  Wondering who I am?  I have ideas about who I could be, but what if I don’t want that?  Is that ok?  Is it possible to be special and ordinary at the same time?  Because that would be ideal!

I want answers, but the truth hurts so use your best judgement when commenting.

p.s. I know I have good qualities, too.  I promise I’m not beating up on myself, just doing a little self-flagellation examination .

Summa Summa Summa Time….

It’s a million and three degrees today.  As was yesterday.  And the week before then.  I think Summer has officially arrived.  Good thing I got my tomatoes in when I did.  They’ve tripled in size (the plants, anyway) since I put them in.  God bless Miracle Gro Potting Soil!  I got two heirloom varieties.  They are obviously huge ones as their blossoms are 200% larger than the Sweet 100’s I planted.  I’m thinking three plants in one half-cask barrel isn’t enough room.  Especially since technically, there were three starter plants in the cherry tomato I bought.  I would’ve looked for another one, but it was the only one of that variety left, and I know how Target is.  They won’t get another one just because I’d be waiting for it.

I’m super excited.  We looked at another house on Saturday.  It’s 1/4 acre.  The backyard is an interesting layout, but that’s part of its appeal.  There is a screen porch, an area for an above-ground (and perhaps in the far, FAR future an in-ground) pool on side yard one, many trees (some of which bear fruit!), a very shallow pond (which I’ll be replacing with a grassy area for my hammock & reading spots) in the back, and then a whole ‘nother side yard where we could garden and park a Silver Twinkie.  It’s 3/2, no windows in the bathroom and they have those horrid sliding shower doors, but that’s easy to fix.  The door part, not so much the window given its location.  Also, there is only one closet in the master bedroom (ouch!) and the kitchen is vomituous lilac pink.  That’s gotta go before moving in.  Other pluses are: TONS of built-in storage in the garage and ceiling fans that are not hideous in all the bedrooms.  Also, new stove & dishwasher.  New counter tops too, but those will go a.s.a.p.  They’re black something with pink in it.  EWWWWW!!!!  I’m just grateful it’s not tile.  Have you ever tried rolling out cookies or piecrust (which you know I do all the time, bwahahahahah!) on tile?  Now, if you’ll just picture our street as the inside of your arm bent at a 90′ angle, we would be in the corner.  Isn’t it just perfection?

No.  Perfection would be our offer getting accepted, nobody losing their minds and backing out, and us moving in before school starts on August 11th.  Sweeeeet!

Best Taken On An Empty Stomach

Honey came to pick me up from Shana the BEAUTIFUL’s house tonight.  He’s much less a creature of comfort than I and will drive with the windows down instead of the a/c on, even if it’s a thousand degrees outside.

I was feeling pretty good about a nice evening drive home, windows down, summer smiles on, etc. until I got a whiff of what was waiting for me.

First, it was cow pies.  Then, it was wet dog food.  Last, but not least, was the not-quite-strong but also not-really-faint odor of freshwater fish guts.  You know, like when you’ve been fishing on the lake and now the fish are getting cleaned in the sink?

I told you not to read this before or after eating!

Lovin’ It Up II

I forgot to include this!

It was my first big-girl makeup purchase at the Sephora in Downtown Disney.  When you first apply, it looks horrid, like you’re a Kewpie doll with freshly painted cheeks or something.  Then you blend, and it’s the most natural-looking blush you’ve ever seen!  It’s like, some hot guy gave you a compliment and your cheeks flushed just so.

Lovin’ It Up On

I realized today, I’ve had a bit of a dry spell in the posting department!  That migraine episode really did me in.  And I’ve just been non-stop busy ever since so I couldn’t devote any time to thinking of fabulous things to say and share with you, until now….

These are some things I have been lovin’ it up on lately:

The Fratellis have a new CD out.  I love them.  You’d recognize their music from the iPod commercial that played “Flathead”.  “Ba da bup ba da da da da Ba da bup ba da da da da…”  My current favorite is “Look Out Sunshine!”.  Go on, fire up iTunes and give it a listen.  You won’t be sorry.

Next up on my list is:  Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop Tarts.  You heard me right, POP TARTS.

God looked down and smiled upon me in the grocery store today.  This stuff is like,  Costco birthday cake in a toaster!!  Except I don’t know one person in the universe who eats these bad boys toasted.  I bought the mint chocolate ones for me to put in the freezer and forget about until one day I become so desperate for a treat I actually venture into the small freezer and find them.  I got the VMS ones for the boys as a nice surprise.  I never buy this crap but I thought school is getting out, we’ve got Cub Scout day camp all week long, it might be fun to spring this on them.  Good thing they like to share!

I decided to buy a crapload of sunscreen all at once at Costco this year.  The deal is sweet, two  bazillion-ounce cans of Sport Mist SPF 30 and a trial-size tube of sunscreen for your face, all to the tune of $13.99.  I love the mist because you don’t have to rub it in.  Spray and go, baby!  Except the children’s version was only $11.99, and the Costco Coupon Bible that comes out every few months had a $3.00 off coupon for up to two purchases.  Four cans doesn’t cover it for us, I needed more!  (Good thing I’m a pathetic loser who will ask complete strangers for their extra coupons resourceful and located a second coupon so I could get 4 more cans!)  The bummer of it all is that the kids version is lotion mist, not clear mist, so you do have to rub it in.  But it’s really not that big of a deal and it absorbs much more quickly than regular lotion does.  You might be asking yourself (aside from “why do I keep reading this crap?) what the big deal is, why can’t I just go out and buy more sunscreen when we need it?  And the answer is this:  Despite the fact that we live in a state where it’s needed 24/7 365, Costco only carries sunscreen in April, May, June and maybe a little bit into July.  Ridiculous, yes, but you can count it as part of your food storage, so I let it lay where it falls on this one.  I am disappointed that they switched from Coppertone to Banana Boat this year.  Coppertone smells SO much better!  Plus, I am a brand snob and my neurosis tells me that Coppertone is more hip (and thereby effective) than Banana Boat is.

Last, but not least, is this:

Fresh raspberries!  They had them on sale last week.  $3.99 for a 12 oz. clamshell.  That’s pretty sweet considering it’s usually $3.99 and up for 6 oz.  I just couldn’t get enough!  I bought two when I first went shopping for the week, and then I had to get two more later on because they were so delicious I didn’t want to miss them while the price was right!

Ok.  I’m going to bed at a “decent” hour tonight.  So what that it’s already after 11:00?  At least it’s not midnight.  Yet!